HelloGoodbye

Yesterday I met a woman I thought might really be my equal, and that I might really be able to fall in love with.

 

That same thing happened to me Thursday.

 

Ow.

 

In my head I am brutal on myself about opening a business, which is probably why it hasn’t gotten done. Times like these! make me feel strongly that it will be forever impossible to move forward until meet someone…because meeting someone is the only thing I am able to think about, so often. and! I just got out of two back to back relationships, both of which I ended. Alas, the heart wants what the heart wants. My heart wants you. I hope it gets what it wants.

 

The time is 07:05 and I am at a Starbucks. Vibes are weak af here. Hella drifters chillin in the back, all producing different sounds from their phones. Plus there is the regular music. Right now it’s Kendrick. and calling these cats drifters is being polite. I could put on my headphones and just vibe out or whatever, because I have the noise canceling ones. Not really though, because there is too much on my mind.

 

One thing I have realized, is that these noise canceling headphones are going to be wayyyy too hot here in the summer.

 

This blog has been fun…but I don’t think I can’t just write whatever I want anymore. Too many facets; too many cogs. Does this mean it’s time for a book? Ha! I fuckling hope so. To think I actually thought I was going to write a book when I went to India…rookie mistake, to the fullest.

 

It’s times like these…

 

Soon I will be at my father’s house in Florida. My plan was to chill there and set up my business…but that won’t be a doable feat, I can already tell. His house will however be a good place to decompress, and reconsolidate. I wrote that same sentence yesterday, but I never posted it. I have written a lot I haven’t posted. It’s kind of crazy how that stacks up.

 

It’s times like these I am inconsolable. I don’t want to be at this Starbucks writing this blog…I want to be in bed lol. But…not at the hostel. And never again alone. I have been waking up early and going to coffee shops for a long time, but certainly I can see now that should only be a part time gig.

 

Ha. Sometimes I break off into these wicked day dreams. Some about murder, and some about sex. I like the ones about sex better. They never overlap. Ew. I like my coffee how I like my metal, and I like my love how I like my San Francisco.

 

Peaceful.

 

I used to write more about the things that go on in my head. Want to hear something I’ve never told anyone? When I used to go into this doughnut shop, I had a crush on the girl that made the doughnuts. One time, I wrote “I wonder if she like’s to be chokefucked,” and then I realized that I couldn’t possibly put that on my website, because it would fuck up my relationship with the donutshop. Somehow that sentence turned into 180 pages of writing I didn’t post, because it was a lot of my writing about my fantasites with girls, but I had a girlfriend at the time, so I never posted any of it.

 

How fucked up is that? That answer is that I needed to break up with that girl, and get someone that satisfies my life. It took me a long time to do that.

 

Things are different now. I’m pretty standoffish, and I constantly fear failure. To just have given my heart to two women in a row…what if I’ve only got three times!? Then I have to wait 10 years or something crazy…does the game work like that? Sometimes I think I got a bum controller, because this Game of Life feels like it should be easier to play.

 

The coffee shop I intend to go to doesn’t open for 38 more minutes. What should I do?!? I guess I am kind of stuck in regards to business. The business models I have created rely on me to produce a lot of written content, and I haven’t been doing that. I believe it to be more of a holistic process.

 

Two weeks ago the plan was to fly to Bali and start podcasting while I traveled Asia. One week ago the plan was to go home for three months and then come back to Vegas, get a job, and stay for a while. The plan needs to just be “do something that makes me happy.”

 

I also don’t think going to Oaxaca, meeting the Shamen, and consuming ayahuasca is the answer. Although that offer go throw on the table recently.

 

Spark Twain

* * *

You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo!
After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through, and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work. Thanks in advance!

MBSB 12

Did I tell you about this girl I sat next to on the bus this weekend? I don’t recall her getting on the bus, but I do remember the first time I saw her calves. She was wearing some skin tight Lulu’s and a grey New Balance. She doesn’t have to go to Starbucks for me to like her, especially if she rides Muni, and when you get on the back door with a body like that I’m going to sit down next to you. I have done this only a handful of times in my life. Maybe ten. Ten times I have sat down next to a girl on the bus and talked to her.

 

At first I was just hoping she would get off at the same stop as me, but too many times in my life have I watched a girl walk away, and for two days after thought “damn! I should’ve talked to that girl.” Eventually I realized there was nothing wrong with taking my only chance I’ll ever get to talk to this woman, and on the contrary everything felt right about it. I had already filmed a video that morning talking about how the pockets of my new raincoat filled with water when it rained the previous day. So I got up, switched seats so I was positioned to her left side. I bumped into her presumably large butt on the way down, and that was as good as things ever got for me. I said “How long have you had that jacket? I just bought mine, and when it rained last night the pockets filled with water.” 

 

The fact that I don’t remember what she said, makes me think I wasn’t approaching the situation right in the first place. Either way, she shut me down immediately. She answered my question politely, but continued to look away from me after initial eye contact [she looked toward the front of the bus at 45 degrees all ride, and I was seated to her other 45]. Several chinese ladies were staring at us. I said something neutral, that I thought was polite, like “Well, Thanks. Have a nice day.” Then I moved back to my original seat for 10 seconds before the bus stopped at Union Street and I made a split decision to get off the bus. Crossing the street in front of the bus, I pulled out my selfie stick and began to film. Video will be on the Spark Twain YT channel eventually.

Spark Twain

* * *

You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo!
After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through, and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work. Thanks in advance!

Wedding Day!

Today is wedding day! I am uber excited! I began the day with some eggs and a bagel. I feel so-so about it. The eggs were good. In the future I would like to consume less sugar and bread, but this weekend it’s a celebration bitches, so I’m going h.a.m.a.f. It’s an easy acronym, don’t over complicate it. I am drinking a La Croix and day dreaming about getting a good deal on lumber someday; it’s a business kind of morning with the undercut of a celebration, and the Aura of: The Big Day, as a universal term. The ceremony is going to be held at a place called Barndiva, which I have not been inside of yet, but I have heard good things about it. I had the opportunity to see the building last night I am sure, as the rehearsal dinner was across from Barndiva, yet I failed to seize that opportunity. So here I sit writing to you, sitting on the Russian River same exact spot at the table as yesterday morning and last night, and I am writing to you blind of where this ever-important wedding is being held because I failed to fucking look around and observe lol. Guilty as charged for slacking; I am holding myself to some accountability for my readers, so if you’re reading this I want you to know I am making an effort to build trust through consistency.

Anthony Bourdain died this weekend. Since his passing I have seen a large amount of heartfelt Instagram posts, which has molded my opinion of ‘Tony’ much more than ever had been the case during his life. We are not just talking about a nonsense, zomlebrity here. Apparently Mr. Bourdain was a cultured, fun, inspirational individual. His quotes sure are something to read, and that’s all I can say for now. Many of the hostels I follow tell of Tony having the heart and soul of a backpacker, and that’s something I can really understand. All I remember about Anthony Bourdain was getting bombarded with commercials for Parts Unknown. Should have used better advertising if he was such a cool dude. My Lyft driver the other day also mentioned Bourdain, saying she saw him and he shrugged her off. She told me he was a real asshole. I figured she just built up her expectation wrong. Wonder how she feels now. I bet he wasn’t an asshole.

On Monday June 4th, between 6 and 7 AM, 47 people visited this website. So thank you all, if you are still returning. Or if you are just tuning in for your first time, Thank You, and I invite you to come back for more, as I revamp and reorganize the site in the…near…future.

Chris

* * *

A Note from the future:
You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo!
After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through,
and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work.
Thanks in advance!

Wedding Weeknd On The Russian River

I write to you from the Russian River, one to two miles east of Heldsburg, CA. The Air B&B which has been reserved for the wedding is a beautiful log cabin. Three floors and vaulted ceilings? I’ll take a memory, Thank You very much. I am very thankful to the Gotthardts for including me in this weekends extravaganza; truly I am ecstatic to be attending a wedding. As some of you may know, not from my writings but simply from going to school with me, I worked at North Hills Country Club in Menomonee Falls, WI (my hometown) for several years. Every Saturday in the Fall, a Bride and a Groom were to be found bubbling over with anticipation of their new lives together, and to be a part of it made for some of the most consistent beauty and love I will ever experience in this lifetime. If you had a wedding reception at North Hills Country Club, on behalf of all the staff and most certainly myself, I Thank You for allowing me to be apart of your celebration. Tomorrow I will be in the presence of another couple bubbling over with anticipation of the journey that lies ahead; I could not be happier than I am today, writing in a cabin on the Russian River, about to participate in celebration and witness the Vows of Brittany and Nic Stergion as the are joined together in Harmonious Matrimony. I welcome you all, as well and invite and allow you all to be part of this Beautiful Experience through my telling of its tale; please, do follow me down the rabbit hole.

Chris

* * *

A Note from the future:
You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo!
After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through,
and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work.
Thanks in advance!

Manifestation of Dreams iii

I am looking at my Google timeline, and I and taken aback by how amazing it is. People claim the technological age takes too much information, but the ability to look back and see where I went on February 14th of last year is amazing. It is the future of nostalgia. I drove to Texas in a U-Haul last year, and at the time I wasn’t aware I did not have a license. Google has the only proof of that incident (besides this blogpost{lets get real, prolly lots of proof}). I can see what I did on my birthday last year. I can see the day I went to Austin Texas. There is a large blotch of no activity on my Google timeline (phone broke), and honestly it is a shame. Imagine being 80 years old, and actually being about to go back and see where you went 40, 50, 60 years ago? That’s fucking insane. Is Apple doing this? Probably. In all honesty, it’s nice to have a little competition, I wouldn’t want everything everywhere to be Google.

When I think about how I spent 2017 completely washed over in love, I nearly weep from the beauty of the whole thing. I went back and looked at my trip across the nation just now (Google Timeline), and I felt the palpable essence; a blossoming parallel universe of love. To have that love washed away, and replaced by something rooted so deep, to discuss the particulars is taboo; a thing of embarrassing beauty; fucking mesmerizing. I should writer about it…oh wait.

I look at my Google timeline now, and I see what it offers me. Keeping my phone on, really helps to bring my life to reckoning. I look at the orange dots that are my Google timeline, splattered across the nation, and I can picture the times I had. Soon those dots will extend, digital digits, reaching across the globe as I travel far and wide. I am wet, but I want to get wetter. I want to live, and then I want to die; but at least I know what I want!

Chris

Good Morning!

Another Life

It is nearly the end of January, and what a rollercoaster of a month it has been for me. It began with me in Oakland, which had been perpetual for the previous 2 months. I now reside within the 49 square miles of city, and my home is the Green Tortoise Hostel (as you may be getting to know), and I am

Me in Eugene

quite happy to be here. I arrived in the Bay area on Halloween morning. For four months previous I had been trade-working at the Green Tortoise Hostel in Seattle (they have an indoor cannabis/tobacco lounge, only one in the city to my knowledge), which was a very unique place to live, and this was first time I lived outside of my home city. I lived with a woman while in Seattle; someday I will tell you a long, exciting story about a time I fell in love, but today is not for that story, and so I will leave it at that. Fast-forward 4 months from my arrival in Seattle, to my arriving in San Francisco; I am arriving in San Francisco on a Green Tortoise Bus, piloted by my now friend, Paige. Since my arrival in the Bay, I have been introduced to a variety of new stigma, all beautiful in their own regard. I kissed a women I know I could love. I loved a women I didn’t know I could kiss.

If I could put how I’ve been feeling into a glass jar, it would be too hot to touch.

Most positively, I have been writing more, and I feel great about it. If you are reading this, I am very glad you have chosen to imbibe in HeartofZeus. I am excited for life to whisk me away; and be well documented. My daydreams have a pragmatic sandman, and my nightmares are orchestrated by Poe. I do not fear the reaper, and the reaper doesn’t fear me. I am not alone. This is all true, and I am glad I am finding time to express it. The stories I will tell on this site are numerous, and at current I only hope to not diminishing their flame, speaking of them as such. I thank my readers, again.

John

I lost several friends in 2017, as every year has brought about more casualties. Some souls stray farther from the exosphere than others. It is at this time I would like to say Rest in Peace to John McClment, a dear friend of mine, and very much a part of my online life. His Good Morning posts pulled me through some hard times, and I am not even sure if he was aware. Waking up alone, feeling disgraced by life, John always had his Good Morning status along with a plethora of top quality memes to browse through; my exact humor. I felt comforted by partaking in his day…he helped me feel. The future is certainly a unique and vast landscape. We live on a planet where reality is being subjected to confinement by virtual-reality. John McCliment impacted me through his online presence, for sure more than many of the people I saw daily in the flesh. I went to high school with this man. I took mathematics with this man. I remember when he told me he was joining the Army. I remember when he posted a status he was going to try and stop drinking; those two moments were long apart. The saddest thing you will ever read is the last post of Eat Letters Shit Words. These will not be the last words I spill dramatically over John McCliment; he is an important staple of Menomonee Falls, and of the Facebook community. If it’s fifteen minutes to midnight in Alaska been dark for 3 weeks, and you run into the ghost of John McCliment, you say Good Morning god dammit.

I also lost my Grandmother this year. Peace and Love to her. It will take the rest of my life to find out if anyone has impacted me more than my grandmother.

Chris.