Philosophy of Addiction Recovery 1

In an effort to help people overcome addiction, I have been putting my full thought into how the industry of addiction recovery exists currently.

The methods I used to overcome alcoholism are aggressive, but only in the sense that they are unusual. For some individuals I recommend they overhaul every aspect of their life in order to propel change. This is an overstatement, but it’s better to overstate than understate when it comes to addiction.

There is so much stuff to do in this life! Think about all the daydreams you have about all the places you want to go. If you are a user of drugs or alcohol, I ask: do those daydreams coincide with using of said drugs or alcohol? If the answer is yes, I want you to expand your vision. There are different kinds of addictions that exist in this world, and some swallow you whole more than others. Many people might admit to having a coffee addiction, and that level of admittance is a variable by which we can measure how negatively impactful a substance is upon humanity.
How many people admit to using heroin?
How many people admit to eating mushrooms?

Heroin might someday be decriminalized, but it will never be condoned.

Psychedelic mushrooms on the other hand have recently become decriminalized in three U.S. Cities: Denver, CO, as well as Santa Cruz and Oakland, CA. This is a powerful statement from the people of America: “We understand this substance to be of no danger to society.”

We all know how the story of cannabis legalization goes. We are living it!

Me? I ate mushrooms prior to becoming an alcoholic, and perhaps the spiritual awakening I received from my 2 or 3 times eating psychedelic mushrooms played a factor in how I went about overcoming my addictions.

I want to tell you exactly how I did it; I want to tell you exactly how I overcame alcoholism. BUT! The story is – the story’s not over! Do I think I will ever go back to drinking alcohol? Not in a million years! I honestly believe that when it comes to alcohol addiction I have my sobriety down-pat. I specify alcohol addiction because I know I will never rid myself addiction fully, but for the benefit of my happiness I shed what commiserates me. I am a human not to be commiserated! This is the attitude I wield everyday, and with great effort! Who would I be to do what makes me unhappy?

When I was younger, all I knew was working at restaurants, and the amount of money I received seemed not worth my time [until I got to San Francisco]. What did I do instead of looking for something better? I drank alcohol! From 21 years old to 24 years old, I drank alcohol because it made me happy. It made me fucking happy! What more can I say? People would ask me if I was depressed, and I would get frustrated, because I didn’t feel depressed, necessarily, but! I did feel like I was falling behind in life. Down the road, lemme tell you: that feeling of falling behind in life? It leaves an unforgivable aftertaste.

So I was drinking, right? And I was drinking because it made life habitable. When I was drunk, work was not so miserable, and that was a fact I lived with everyday. I now know it was my misguided ambitions that put me on that road to failure. To tell you exactly why I became an addict is to tell you why I like the color purple. For some things, there is no why, only when.

This “when” is monumentally important. The last thing I want to turn into is some dude that goes around to highschool’s and gives speeches on alcoholism and addiction, but damn if I don’t think that recognizing the signs of addiction, and trusting mine [and everyones!], advice to avoid addiction is better then dealing with the problem after the fact.

Nothing is enjoyable without using drugs Twain, what do I do?”

The answer is simple as it is disappointing: Change Everything.

Change your hair from brown to blue if you think it will make you happy. Ahh! But remember, you must juggle the triage of life as you proceed. This means that if you can’t have blue hair at work, and you also can’t afford to ditch your job, you can not turn your hair from brown to blue.

Okay then…”

Blue hair wasn’t the move anyway. Unless it is! Then it’s the fucking move! But what about…uhh, what about learning something new? Is that a thing you’re interested in? Because I’ll tell you: allowing yourself to learn a new skill and gain new knowledge whilst simultaneously fighting addiction, can create a viciously powerful cycling effect that the enlightened call: Holding Yourself to a High Standard.

Holding Yourself to a High Standard is the type of thing that those individuals you look up to do, and it’s how they achieve their massive gains. Be it mentally, socially, economically, or physically, gains are achieved through hard work and consistency. Many people buy a gym membership lowkey using the membership [and it’s cost] as a catalyst to start working out. Mhm, does it work for everyone? But it does work for some people, right? Well, I believe it only works for those that make changes in other aspects of their life in tandem. Going to the gym is nothing without first abolishing fast food from your life, or actually spending the hard-time thinking about what makes you happy. Will going to the gym make you happy? If so, you might be ready to commit to a membership! Albeit, there are also individuals who might test themselves by excising in a park for a period of time to test the waters about their commitment; I think such is a healthy practice.

For those who desire to overcome addiction, I think enrolling at University is the most extreme catalyst one could thrust themselves into. That, or the military.

x. Spark Twain

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Cream City Hostel 19

The time is 04:30 and I woke up over an hour ago. I laid in bed for a while, eyes closed, pondering life; I haven’t been feeling as good in the mornings as of late. I believe it to be my diet. Currently I write to you from the dining area of the Cream City Hostel, on the opposite side of the room as the kitchen. My coffee cup is full, and it says Alaska on it. The pleasure I get from choosing a coffee cup in the morning at a hostel…that must be one of those “little things” I have always heard about.

Today is a day for organizing. Spring cleaning! My website needs to be changed up a little. If you haven’t heard me speak on it before, I own 17 websites. None of them turn me a profit, but it is something I am working on.

Often times I fall into the same expression of thought, which is: I should put all my liquidated-eggs in the ‘Spark Twain’ basket, and then eventually I can use that brand to plug my other endeavors. There are reasons to establish my career in that direction, including that I write heavily to this blog, but also I have been going in this direction for awhile already. It is true that when I go back and read my blog, sometimes I am impressed, and sometimes I am bored-to-death, but I believe in trusting the process. For this, the process includes: be myself, keep writing, work harder everyday, and don’t make the same mistakes twice [I fuck the last two up routinely].

At 27, after traveling the world, and establishing confidence about who I am as a person, I am ready to work hard at something, and I know I could work hard in any direction! However I want to succeed! As you may or may not know, I am all about achevable goals.

With the work I have already put in, I am confident that is I put 1000 hours of sales work into my Spark Twain brand, that shit’ll sell. Awe shittlesticks, that shit’ll sell like toilet paper on a pandemic’s eve! Right off the shelf I tell you! I think getting my friend Will to help me promote is a keen move. I have been meaning to ask him how he is;
Hope all is well Will! I think I’ll text you right now.

The coffee is okay. I shouldn’t have added that last splash of water probably. But you know what? I figured I would rather have hella weak coffee, than slim strong coffee. Ya dig?

In the future, all digging will be done by robots. Someday, some company is going to build a robot that digs holes, and it’s gonna dig a hole, and they’re gonna say: “That’s the last hole man will ever dig!”

Nonono! That’s some shit outta the 50’s. In my head, the guy saying that was illustrated with dots, lol.

They are gonna say: “We don’t know who dug the first hole, but we will know who digs the last!”

Seriously! There will be a day that nobody digs holes, like, with a fucking shovel!

Meh…actually…You know what? I stand corrected.

I am positive that the evolution of humanity is allowing us to see clearly any possible discord brought by robotic assistance, both physically and mentally, and so I feel that people will always, occasionally, for ole’ times sake and to keep the balance of Talos in tact, dig their own fucking holes.

Fuck man, this coffee is hitting me like a ricochet bullet. That shit’ll fuck you up! You better watch out, you better not cry, because Canta Slause feeds on fear, and you=============this is your left, that’s your left. This is your left, that’s your left. This is your left, that’s your left. This is your right. You’re gonna die.

You ever get that feeling like the elevator ghost is going to show up in a couple of minutes [it never did]? There was a light outside, I noticed it when I first sat down, but it isn’t on anymore I know the street lights didn’t turn off, because I see some light from those. I wonder what light was on, it was hella bright! It could have just been somebody’s headlights, but that means it was only ever here for a couple of seconds. Not the right angle to be someone at the stop light. Someone could have been parked on the side of the building, I suppose…Meh. Not worth thinking about.

I am a piece of toast in the wind right now, and I need to reach a butter place.

It is not only cold in this basement, but dryer than two sacks of gravel. The time is 05:00 on the dot!!! Time to reorganize my website, consume a smoothie, and get ready to take hella boxes outside today. Let’s do it!

Spark Twain

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You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo! After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through, and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work. Thanks in advance!

Cream City Hostel 8

Not very many minutes ago, I looked in the mirror, and a realization shot through me like a lightening bolt. I am not using this life to the fullest.

For a long time, I have been freestyle rapping, and honestly it is something I enjoy so much. There might be nothing I enjoy more than freestyling, except of course the things I enjoy more. I love to write as well, but right now I am feeling an imbalance. Too much writing with not enough rapping. One thing I have been hella hoping to do, is record some music with Super Ego. TBH he makes a different type of hiphop than I do, but as long as our vibes mesh, I think we could make some really good stuff.

In my ears right now is Roddy Ricch. This is the first time I’ve listened to anything outside ‘the box.’ I just hit the first song on Spotify, and I kind of forgot I wasn’t listening to an album, but regardless, every song was good. This is really good music. The beats are epic, and beyond that, Roddy paints us a rather vivid picture of himself. We know he uses cashapp, which I’ve never used [venmo me tho @robertplant]. He then says “slack slack.” I wonder how many things you can use the Slack app for.

I would do say some dirty shit, but I’m scared af. Oh shit, and look at that, it comes back around.

My eyes didn’t even meet their mirror counterpart before the realization struck me. Me! The HeartOfZeus. The time is 09:00 on the dot. I have probably been writing this for 20 minutes. I spent a lot of time thinking about nothing lol. That’s just an update. I accidentally deleted the last two sentences, and I thought that might be a sign, but I have decided to keep them. Whoa. One of these rappers is talking about how a girl put an ecstasy pill in her ass. That’s some futuristic shit. Am I really even living if I’ve never kicked it proper with a lady that sticks the occasional ecstasy pill up her ass? Hahaha. Maybe though, that’s some different shit. That’s a damn freak!

Kobe is dead. How many rap songs do you think he is mentioned in? I mean seriously. To get to his level of fame is…it’s something else. It came from hardwork! Mamba never looked in the mirror and thought “Why am I not squeezing more out of this life?”

I have no idea what went through Kobe’s mind. I tried to create something to say, but I realized I really really don’t know the man. With a little elbow geese, I could. You too can meet Kobe for the first time, even though he is dead.

Many things fly through my brain at the speed of fiber internet, and Meek Mill fills my ear cups. Perhaps! I should try and use the internet again. Twitch it up, or something. Meh. Idk if I’m feeling it. I am feeling this writing thing, however. Oh! I did think up the idea last night, that it wold be foolish to not use this time to edit all my writing. Ugh. That’s seriously like…hundreds of pages. Maybe as many as 420 pages. That would be ironic if it was exactly that. Idk if I’ll actually count,so we will probably never know if I really have 420 pages of unedited writing or not. Holy shit! I’ll remember all sorts of shit when I go through and read all that writing. It goes pretty far back. The time is 09:14, and I think I am going to give that a try right now. I am also going to…consume. An apple? Or some oatmeal? I can’t decide. I should be able to know the answer without getting out of my chair, really. I could eat sugar for breakfast! And not just in the form of oatmeal. Okay, here I go…to eat and edit!

* * *

The time is not 10:18, and I just edited everything above, but I don’t think I am going to edit my old writing anymore. Today..what should I work on. I need to pick something, and then just finish it. Not playing Civ 5! and not writing more for my lil blog. Oh, there is a nice guitar here now, so I might play some of that for a while.

For the Cream City Hostel I should also do some promoting, but the virus has really put a shock to my system. I think all of our systems, but definitely the hospitality industry is feeling the hella burdened.

Spark Twain

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You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo!
After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through, and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work. Thanks in advance!

Returned Emails

I feel good. The day is February 24th. Today, I opened a savings account! and I am not sure that I have ever had a savings account. But you know what? I am going to try and save my fucking money. I am just going to do it. A business, I will open, but as of late I have been thinking it would be in my best interests to do that with money I receive in the form of a loan. Tbh, I should have opened this account over a month ago. I blew crazy money while I was in Vegas. I should have saved that shit and put it to work for me. Today though? Everything changes! Today is the first day of the rest of my life! The time is 17:41 and I am writing to you from the McDonalds inside of the WalMart on Del Prado Blvd in Cape Coral, Florida. OoOoOo this cheeseburger is pretty mediocre, but you know what? McDonald’s feeds the masses, because somebody’s got to! Actually, it’s nobody’s job to feed the masses, and McDonald’s only does it because there is money in it, but I see nothing wrong with that. Now, as we move into the future, McDonald’s will have an obligation to uphold, to humanity, since they have integrated themselves so deeply into our…infrastructure.

OMGOMGOMGOMG The person from TMJ4 has emailed me back…I am hella nervous to open this email right now, and idek why! It doesn’t matter what’s in that email. No matter what is inside the email I am about to open, I am still going to tell the story of how I solved my alcoholism all across the nation. However, if TMJ4 wants to work with me, it will certainly accelerate the process. I can’t believe I received the return email while I am actively writing…okay…here goes nothing. Jeez. I had a dbl cubano at about 15:15, and it’s got my nerves on high. OKAY! Here we gooooo!

Okay…so here’s the deal: the person said they are going to confer with their “fellow Drive Sober team members” and then they will get back to me if they decide to do a story. Hmm. This is starting to feel like a No. Yo! I just sent an email saying I’m a drug addict! Don’t you realize I am the kind of person that needs closure lol. Either way, Umbrella by Rihanna and Jay Z is filling the air of this McDonalds…and that’s almost a damn reminder! Yall know I admire Jay Z; I quote him more than anybody. He found a very efficient way to tell the world what is on his mind. I can only hope that people find my content as easy to consume. That’s why I am expanding the mediums and methods with which I produce my content. I love talking; no reason to limit that to my blog!

Okay, the song is over. The nerves are still here. Honestly, the email I received feels better than if they simply said no, but, I don’t see why they would send me that email unless it was the equivalent of a no lol. I knew you would confer with her team members, and I actually assumed you would get back to me either way. Instead, you have told me you will keep me in the loop…but not really lol. Think they will ever read this blog post? My guess is…probably, actually. When you hear Spark Twain wrote about you, you are going to want to read that shit. However, they only have to do one Google search to learn that I write about licking buttholes and masturbating to women I’ve met one time, so…would you want your news station associated with that? Lol. Nah; prolly not.

Either way! I am going to take the written version of the story I sent TMJ4, and I am going to make my own highly-consumable video version of it. I have considered that I should acquisition the team behind Urban Misfit Ventures to help me with this process, but, I really am not sure that I need them. Or, actually, I am not sure I need them to help me make the video. Perhaps after I have this thing in video format, then I will move to pushing my story a hardaf. Can you imagine if I lost the rights to my own story? Lol. Not gonna happen. OKAY The time is 17:58, and my Dad is almost here, and we are going to do some shopping, and I will edit this another day. That’s peace out! From Walmart/McDonalds.

Spark Twain

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You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo!
After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through, and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work. Thanks in advance!

US 41 and Trailwinds

I am writing to you from the Starbucks on US 41 and Trailwinds…ave? I am not going to look, but I am thinking it’s going to be an avenue type deal. I ordered a nitro cold brew with sweet cream today…and I don’t really know why, because I don’t feel like drinking it [in between writing this article, and now editing it, I asked them if they could exchange it and I got something else: almond flat white]. It turns out!!!!that Starbucks just replaced all the Clover systems in Cape Coral and Ft Myers with Nitro Cold Brew spouts! YUCK! I am under the impression that they have done this because the nitro is more profitable for them. I mean…clover takes a skilled worker, and nitro takes…anyone, it’s literally on fucking tap lol. I can’t actually believe I gave them $5 for this bullshit! I haven’t even tasted it, but I know it’s gross. Why did I buy it? It’s because I was talking to a cute girl, no doubt. I don’t exactly know why I continually do such stupid things, but the fact remains that I do. 

 

I feel better right now than I have for the past couple of days, and that is a good change. I was walking down the street earlier and it occured to me that: the only thing I want to do is smoke weed! AND I found out it’s still a fucking misdemenor in Florida! Despicable. When my computer arrives next week, I’m going to hit the road. It’s kind of laughable that I had enough money to go anywhere/do anything…and in the same fashion that I just ordered a $5 drink I don’t want, I spent all my money on useless shit that, in the end, I didn’t want and am not proud of purchasing. YUCK! So! But you know what?

 

FUCK 

 

I do not know how to make money on my own, otherwise I would be doing it. Obvi. I’m starting to get scared that I’m just going to be a failure and a loser forever! I don’t even care if you guys like me! So long as you read my blog. I’m not nice, but I am correct, and that’s enough. When I go to Nola I might consider getting a job as a cashier or something, if I can make tips. Really though, I just need to turn my blog profitable. That is the answer. Even just $100 dollars a god damn month! Something! Anything! It’s been too long. I’ve put in hundreds, if not thousands of hours on this blog. I don’t even have any merch! Even if people want to give me some pity money through the medium of purchasing my products, they can’t!; because I don’t have anything for them to purchase!

 

The time is 16:15, and I am talking myself into a bad mood. It will be 4:20 soon! Woo! I have elected not to purchase any CBD while I am here, because well, I think the CBD market is a bit of a ripoff right now. No way am I going to go into a store and find a healing product, I’m going to find a for-profit product. 

 

waiting

 

The time is now 16:20. Same Starbucks. I’ve started talking to myself a little bit, and I think it might have been weirding the people out. I still haven’t drank any of my Nitro Cold Brew. Is it possible that I am sick of Starbucks? I ordered a petite scone this morning that I still have with me, because it just doesn’t sound appetizing. I only bought it because, well, that’s what I always do. I pretty much only buy something at Starbucks because I feel obligated. But you know what? It’s killing my fucking wallet. I’m gonna end up paying $5 to sit here for…what? 30 minutes? an hour? No way I’m bout to spent 10 hours in here, and that’s the only way I can see this $5 drink being worth it. Ugh. I really don’t like Florida, or the people in it, and if you live here and you’re thinking “well it’s not my fault I was born here! I don’t like it either!” You should take your ass to San Francisco, get a job, and sleep outside next to Mtn Lake until you have enough money to afford security deposit and first month’s rent. This is the way!

 

One of two things is happening. Wayne is either about to start rapping…or I’m going to hear the original version of this. Okay, it’s the original. “Please don’t let me be misunderstood.” Ha! Am I misunderstood? While I was walking around taking 360 photos today, a couple of the store managers wrote my blog down…it’s a shame the last thing I wrote about was me masturbating lol. I’ve pretty much completely stopped watching porn, but I still masturbate sometimes. Thizz what it thizz. However…I need to get my downstairs checked out. My semen has been yellow for…months now, at first I thought it was just my diet. Plus my balls were hurting for about a year before this started. Now my balls don’t hurt, but my seamen is yellow! and the area where my pubes are, the skin has been changing colors for quite some time. I have a large redish spot. It doesn’t look too weird, it’s just a little darker than the rest of my skin. I thought it was just from overheating…but now I am starting to think that things are a bit too abnormal down there. 

 

WHAT IS LIFE! Sometimes it is unfair. I pray that nothing happens to my balls, because yall know how much I want kids. PLUS I’ve never been better at letting women seduce me! I have written so many times how my 30’s are going to be my golden years. What can I do? Make a fucking dr’s appt. Something I have been avoiding. I actually saw a doctor in Chinatown, but I felt weird having her look at my balls, because I knew I smelled like weed, and it didn’t really seem like she liked me very much. Now that I am having pains though [I was having them then too, just a different area]? Well, I shouldn’t have missed that opportunity. Sometimes my gooch is on fire. Right now feels a little like that. This is all…bad. Why I wouldn’t just get this stuff taken care of?!? I’m not sure. I feel like I need a teammate in life! The same reason I am not getting this taken care of, is the same reason I lament my father. No girl should pair up with me until I can take care of this kind of stuff on my own, and I shouldn’t have kids unless I can take care of myself either. 

 

I suppose I should edit some writing, right? Yeah. Talking about my balls is making me feel weird. I was going to get it taken care of down here [Florida], but the wait is over a month! [It’s snowbird season], and I’ll be in Nola by that time [if everything goes well]. So… perhaps I just get things looked at in Nola. Idk! Why didn’t I just ask the Chinese doctor! All I asked her about was the mark on my arm! but that was only half of what I was worried about at the time, and I knew it. Take it from me! Ask the doctor everything you want to ask them. Yeah…my gooch definitely burns. What does that mean? It means it’s time to edit lol.

 

Spark Twain

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You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo!
After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through, and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work. Thanks in advance!

Cape Coral Pkwy

I am writing to you from Starbucks on Cape Coral Pkwy, in Cape Coral Florida. Surprisingly there are busses that take me all up and down this side of the coast. I thought it would be a little slower than it is out in these parts. Omg I grabbed the wrong flavor of sparkling water!; what a travesty. Ugh, and it’s one of those days where my hand feels weird, probably because my broken should is fucking up my alignment and whatnot. It’s not pain…but it’s discomfort forsure. My fingers just feel tight. I am planning to become a famous rapper this year though, and with the profits from that venture [plus the notoriety], I am hoping Elon Musk will take a personal interest in repairing my shoulder. I’m totally down for the cyborg life. Down af lol.

 

They gave me two cups AND a lid at this Starbucks. See, you California folks should come out here and switch the vibes up, because I even asked to receive my drink with no lid, but alas, these old people probably bitch when they don’t receive a  lid, and so the employees have muscle memory. See, it’s companies like Starbucks that will change the world. When SB stops offering single use plastics, do you think people will switch to the other coffee shop in town? hahaha HELL NO these folks have it on lock. I walked past a mom & pop coffee shop on my way here, and I pulled out my phone to look at the reviews, and although the reviews were good, I could tell by the picture that I wouldn’t like the place. Idk why Americans drink coffee, but they should start drinking espresso.

 

Oh my. This espresso is very bad lol. Maybe every Starbuckls espresso I’ve had has been bad…and I just didn’t notice. When I was in Vegas I was under the impression that maybe the baristas in SF were just…better! With the same beans and the same tools, is it possible that the baristas in San Francisco are consistently preparing better drinks? That is very possible. The work ethic in SF is off the chain. 

 

I feel like if I finish this espresso I am going to have heartburn lol [I tossed about half of it]. Ugh. I realllllly like San Francisco. The more places I go, the more I want to just…settle into San Francisco. Sometimes I think my whole existence there has been doomed from the time I left the Green Tortoise…other times I think the doom started earlier than that. 

 

I almost brought my hoodie with me today, but I was like “nah, I won’t need that shit.” And you know what? It would be totally awesome to have my hoodie. I have this long sleeve Harley shirt with me, but it’s not the same thing. Albeit, I put the Harley shirt on now. Las Vegas Customs! Reppin hard lol. 

 

One of the customers just came up and asked me about my bluetooth keyboard. Think I am the first person to use a bluetooth keyboard in this particular Starbucks? Possible is there. I could be the first person to be using a bluetooth keyboard all over Asia, but instead I thought it would be a good idea to blow a shit load of money in Vegas, and now I pretty much have to get a job lol. I applied at a hostel in New Orleans, and I am still waiting on a response from the manager. However! The owner did send me an email stating that the manager would be back on the 11th, and he said I had an impressive resumé, and thanked me for my patience. Which is…a good sign? I’m pretty sure I am going to get hired. Then what? I spend three months in New Orleans, and then I move to Las Vegas until I have firmly established myself in my career! A blogger/podcaster/hip-hop artist/public speaker. So far I only write a blog…but I think it’s a damn good blog! If you’re reading this sentence, maybe you do as well!

 

The vibes have been switched! Pretty soon it’s gonna be hella bluetooth keyboards around Cape Coral. lol. Maybe not. How do you think Nola will compare with SF? Oh shit…I’m scared to find out lol. I’ve never felt a calling to New Orleans; in fact I’ve avoided it because I don’t drink alcohol. Among other reasons. Karleigh invited me down there almost 10 years ago. I was too scared to go; she was living out of a van and stuff. Some guy did end up going to visit her. They have a baby now.

 

I have realized I am the perfect person to lead pubcrawls, because I will make sure the squad gets home every night. I talked to the owner of the hostel in Vegas about it a little bit. I am just waiting on a response from the hostel in Nola before I bust any moves. What’s the smallest amount of money I can spend in Nola you think? $600 over a three month period? Think that is doable? All I need is self control…that’s all I need. $200 a month when one isn’t paying any rent seems…doable. OH WAIT@ISMOKEHELLAWEED hahaha and I guess I forget how expensive that stuff is. Right now I am on day two of not smoking any weed. Actually, the last thing I smoked was fucking resin, and if yall read my blog, you would know I have previously written that “I don’t think I’ll ever be smoking resin again,” and actually when I was smoking it here I realized…if I am going against the rules I set for myself, maybe I am in the wrong place. Plus all I’ve done since I arrived is yell at my father for having an unhealthy diet. He thinks I should just let him live his life. I don’t think he’s really ever lived. He talks about places in the world as if he’s been there, when he’s really only done research. It’s not the same thing, but alas, even if he goes to see the Coliseum I don’t think he will appreciate it like he appreciates thinking about the Coliseum. Acceptance takes practice, and traveling is accepting the world. After him and I had huge argument last night, thigns simmered down when he said he would be willing to plan a trip to Europe with me. What have I done? I don’t want to go to Europe with my father though…that was a lie. I used to want that! but I had to give up on that dream a long time ago. It’s like when someone breaks up with you, and then they come back, obviously you will be that much more cautious. My father has never finished anything he said he would, really. We had a half apolstered couch in our living room for yearssss. 

 

The only place I can hangout with my father is California, because then at least I can blaze up and ignore the fact that I don’t think he’s living right. It’s hard for me to find people I get along with too, Dad! but I didn’t give up and have kids so I have people that like me. There is no guarantee your children will like you. I have spoken.

 

SPARK TWAIN

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You can now support my work directly using Patreon or Venmo!
After writing for over three years, I have confidence my hardwork is showing through, and so I have no shame is giving my readers an option support my work. Thanks in advance!

HelloGoodbye

Yesterday I met a woman I thought might really be my equal, and that I might really be able to fall in love with.

 

That same thing happened to me Thursday.

 

Ow.

 

In my head I am brutal on myself about opening a business, which is probably why it hasn’t gotten done. Times like these! make me feel strongly that it will be forever impossible to move forward until meet someone…because meeting someone is the only thing I am able to think about, so often. and! I just got out of two back to back relationships, both of which I ended. Alas, the heart wants what the heart wants. My heart wants you. I hope it gets what it wants.

 

The time is 07:05 and I am at a Starbucks. Vibes are weak af here. Hella drifters chillin in the back, all producing different sounds from their phones. Plus there is the regular music. Right now it’s Kendrick. and calling these cats drifters is being polite. I could put on my headphones and just vibe out or whatever, because I have the noise canceling ones. Not really though, because there is too much on my mind.

 

One thing I have realized, is that these noise canceling headphones are going to be wayyyy too hot here in the summer.

 

This blog has been fun…but I don’t think I can’t just write whatever I want anymore. Too many facets; too many cogs. Does this mean it’s time for a book? Ha! I fuckling hope so. To think I actually thought I was going to write a book when I went to India…rookie mistake, to the fullest.

 

It’s times like these…

 

Soon I will be at my father’s house in Florida. My plan was to chill there and set up my business…but that won’t be a doable feat, I can already tell. His house will however be a good place to decompress, and reconsolidate. I wrote that same sentence yesterday, but I never posted it. I have written a lot I haven’t posted. It’s kind of crazy how that stacks up.

 

It’s times like these I am inconsolable. I don’t want to be at this Starbucks writing this blog…I want to be in bed lol. But…not at the hostel. And never again alone. I have been waking up early and going to coffee shops for a long time, but certainly I can see now that should only be a part time gig.

 

Ha. Sometimes I break off into these wicked day dreams. Some about murder, and some about sex. I like the ones about sex better. They never overlap. Ew. I like my coffee how I like my metal, and I like my love how I like my San Francisco.

 

Peaceful.

 

I used to write more about the things that go on in my head. Want to hear something I’ve never told anyone? When I used to go into this doughnut shop, I had a crush on the girl that made the doughnuts. One time, I wrote “I wonder if she like’s to be chokefucked,” and then I realized that I couldn’t possibly put that on my website, because it would fuck up my relationship with the donutshop. Somehow that sentence turned into 180 pages of writing I didn’t post, because it was a lot of my writing about my fantasites with girls, but I had a girlfriend at the time, so I never posted any of it.

 

How fucked up is that? That answer is that I needed to break up with that girl, and get someone that satisfies my life. It took me a long time to do that.

 

Things are different now. I’m pretty standoffish, and I constantly fear failure. To just have given my heart to two women in a row…what if I’ve only got three times!? Then I have to wait 10 years or something crazy…does the game work like that? Sometimes I think I got a bum controller, because this Game of Life feels like it should be easier to play.

 

The coffee shop I intend to go to doesn’t open for 38 more minutes. What should I do?!? I guess I am kind of stuck in regards to business. The business models I have created rely on me to produce a lot of written content, and I haven’t been doing that. I believe it to be more of a holistic process.

 

Two weeks ago the plan was to fly to Bali and start podcasting while I traveled Asia. One week ago the plan was to go home for three months and then come back to Vegas, get a job, and stay for a while. The plan needs to just be “do something that makes me happy.”

 

I also don’t think going to Oaxaca, meeting the Shamen, and consuming ayahuasca is the answer. Although that offer go throw on the table recently.

 

Spark Twain

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