Grey and Green

I am writing to you from Happy Donuts in North Beach. In front of me is a glazed twist and a large cup of coffee. In my heart I feel like sleeping…or is it my soul in which I feel that, and from within my heart I feel the need to write about this girl that came into my work today. It’s some next level shit. I realize I talk about a lot of women on this blog. It’s not a good look, and I know that. It would be a different scenario if this blog was a popular read, but since it’s not, it’s more like this blog is a wave and my ego is surfing the wave. When will it end? idk. I’ve never surfed. Does it feel like a long time even though each wave is just a short ride?

I am fucking tired. I have this big ass coffee in front of me…it’s probably not a good idea to drink the coffee, even though I bought it. The fact is, actually, that is was a bad idea to eat the donut. I ate some hella spicy food earlier, and then I went and viewed an apartment. It was lit. This coffee however, is not hot, and that makes it easy to drink. I am not having a good time. There is so much on my mind…I am about to spend all my money; money I don’t even have yet. In truth, I am starting to feel like I shouldn’t dive face first into the first apt I find. The place I viewed tonight seemed cool…but it is only the first place I have looked at. Omg I might seriously have to just go home and catch some z’s. Idk if I am going to stay up much longer as it sits. I started falling asleep when I was writing this with my eyes closed, and I almost started writing about some shit that was only happening in my dream. That was some crazy stuff…staying awake, and even attempting to, is no use. Eating the donut was dumb, but it’s also dumb to try and fight the sleep with coffee. I’m gonna go home right now, I’m gonna sleep like 10pm to 6am, and then I am going to go to a cafe and continue this. Peace from Happy Donuts at 21:49 on November 1st 2019 in North Beach.

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Can you guess where I am?

I ask that as if you know the places I attend on the regular. I don’t think I have any habitual readers of this blog, and so to think that people will eventually read these posts in order is…ludicrous. lol. I have like, 156 articles now or something like that on my website. I need to look into my domains because I am going to have to renew some things coming up, and I have to make sure I have money for that. I also need to schedule a doctors appt…and when we are talking about medical stuff, the sooner the better right? so idk why I don’t just do that right now…I feel like I am waiting for something, but…waiting is not the move. I kind of have this pain in my stomach like I got kicked in the balls, and I have that sensation often enough where it’s like…okay, I gotta look into that. Perhaps that is just how my life is going to be. Either way, I need to schedule an appt and find out. I guess I am kind of waiting for medical insurance? Because I don’t think the treatment is ever as good when you go in under government aid. Just how I feel [I’ve obviously been through both scenarios]. That also doesn’t mean I should ignore the problem…and at this rate it will be months before I actually bust a move. I am stuck. Ugh. I hate being stuck. It’s so easy to assume that life is going to go on. So easy.

There are a lot of beautiful woman that come into this coffee shop. That isn’t why I started coming here, but it is one of the reasons I come here now. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to meet someone new. Which almost feels cruel to write…not saying my exgf is forsure reading this blog, but definitely chances are higher than my next gf is reading this blog. Actually, I would be lying if I didn’t say I knew who my next girl was. It’s all about patience, because I know she likes me, and I know she is going to come into my work again. I just have to talk to her, and seal the deal of hanging out, preferably next time I see her. She came in right after my vacation ended, and then she didn’t come in for far too long, until yesterday. I have been thinking about her since the first time I ever saw her though, and that was probably over two months ago. I will never forget the first time I saw that woman…holy shit, I can’t believe I actually wrote that, because it leaves me open to a lot of heartache, but it’s very true. Maybe I should just tell her that…I remember she came into my work on a Friday, and then the following Monday I was working at a different store, and she came into that store! We were unloading food from the rack, and I asked far-to-loud of another employee if they recognized the girl. They said no. So here’s a girl I literally can not forget, and other people can’t remember!

That’s not the best part of the story. The best part of the story is that the next time I saw her, she came up and talked to me. I was in a daze, per usual, so honestly it feels like a dream while I write about it lol. I’m pretty sure she said “I haven’t seen you in a while.” Actually I am pretty sure I have written out this story before, but perhaps I didn’t publish it, and perhaps I am remembering entirely. That happens to me. Anyway. She said that to me, and I was very taken off guard that this woman [whom I had slightly pedestal’d in my own mind] was talking to me. I said some dumb shit, like “Oh I think I remember you too. You came into the other store…blah blah…I took a month off and now I work here.” So at least I got some relevant information out there for her to hear. That was two weeks ago. But! she came in again yesterday; I just looked up from what I was doing and there she was. She ordered soup. I asked her if she wanted the garnish. I felt that that interaction was not a strong way to start a prosperous relationship…perhaps I am a little embarrassed that I am serving her soup, also. At the same time however, it is true that I would have never been had the chance to meet this person if I was not where I am in life. I need to talk to her before someone else does…as I sit here, I don’t feel good about another missed connection with a girl I have a huge crush on. So I am writing this to help hold myself accountable. Next time I see this woman, I am going to tell her how I feel and I am going to ask her…on a date? I want to buy her dinner, right? But at the same time I kind of just want to add her on ig and start chatting her up. Both moves could work for me. All I know is, when I woke up at 04:30 in the morning this morning, that girl was the first thing on my mind, and that has happened a lot since I was first introduced to her existence. I will not allow my lust to slip! I feel good about things, but if I don’t progress from here, then I won’t feel good later on. Facts.

The time is 11:23 and I am writing to you from Union Street Coffee House. Did you guess correctly? I could have been at Trieste, or if I had stayed on the 8 bus I would have ended up at that Starbucks Reserve I’ve been going to. Instead I came here. I think it was a good move.

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The time is now 11:40, and I just went outside and smoked a bowl and now I am back inside typing this to you. The lady at the table across from me hit the road. As soon as I put my fingerprint in for my Revolut acct to check if my card is on the way, she *closed* her laptop and hit the road. Perfect timing; a cog. So, if my identity gets stolen I’ll have the girl with the pilates shirt on my mind. I have drank ¾ a cup of coffee already. I feel that shit. I am wondering what my move for the day is. Oh! I forgot to mention I am listening to this girly music; this chick Tessa Violet. She has yellow hair. She talks about kissing people a lot. Reminds me of a good friend of mine. A friend whose relationship I took on a 1way trip to no-good, and I definitely wish I had handled that situation differently. It is because of that situation I will handle every situation better now, but still…I will probably always act childish and make mistakes when instincts are involved. I can’t say that I fail, but I can’t say that I achieve the most desirable outcome. Look at me now. I am supposed to be focused on my income, and instead I am focused on this girl…I am still writing, and I supposed that matters a lot. I could be writing about other things though. || I just went into day dreaming mode. I can’t lie when I say that I am quite worried about my health. I am an overly paranoid person, and so it’s like…Do I really think I am dying at 27 years old? No. There is of course the irony of the 27 club, and me having all this writing…I don’t think it’s world class stuff, exactly, but if I was wrong and I died and my writing went on to reach great heights…being 27 right now, it’s like. Nah bro, I’ll take the life lol. I can make a decent income doing thing I enjoy, and I then turn that into a good, long life where I raise children and watch them grow old, and then maybe I even watch the process happen again with grand kids. Folks are having kids older and older nowadays. Will that be me? All I know right now is that I should keep taking it one day at a time, with everything, because that is how many of the people I admire live life. I just burped. I couldn’t really hear it, because I have these headphones on [I’ve been listening to music while I type this (since I returned from my smoke break), kind of a new thing for me], but I bet other people in here heard it. Kind of gross. You know, as of late I am feeling the pressure to keep my public appearance up. Before I was like: FuCkIt, you know, because I am just a beautiful kid with an young kid running around and that’s common place af; and I felt like I never offended anyone. These days however…I am feeling that my age offsets the handicap my looks and innocence allow for. I still bum about, don’t get me wrong. I am just trying to keep it at a higher level, in general, that I used to. I be watching Casey go on dates trying to get a girl…

He wears the same pair of jeans everyday for 6 months in a row.

Spark Twain

P.S. as I made the cover collage photo for this article, I realized that one year ago, yesterday, I left on my trip to Asia [although it started by going home to Milwaukee]. So a photo [edit courtesy of Google auto] of that flight has been included in the cover photo. Until next time! The time is now 13:16 and it’s Saturday, Day of the Dead…maybe I will go to the Mission. Peace! – ST

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