Yesterday I met a woman I thought might really be my equal, and that I might really be able to fall in love with.
That same thing happened to me Thursday.
In my head I am brutal on myself about opening a business, which is probably why it hasn’t gotten done. Times like these! make me feel strongly that it will be forever impossible to move forward until meet someone…because meeting someone is the only thing I am able to think about, so often. and! I just got out of two back to back relationships, both of which I ended. Alas, the heart wants what the heart wants. My heart wants you. I hope it gets what it wants.
The time is 07:05 and I am at a Starbucks. Vibes are weak af here. Hella drifters chillin in the back, all producing different sounds from their phones. Plus there is the regular music. Right now it’s Kendrick. and calling these cats drifters is being polite. I could put on my headphones and just vibe out or whatever, because I have the noise canceling ones. Not really though, because there is too much on my mind.
One thing I have realized, is that these noise canceling headphones are going to be wayyyy too hot here in the summer.
This blog has been fun…but I don’t think I can’t just write whatever I want anymore. Too many facets; too many cogs. Does this mean it’s time for a book? Ha! I fuckling hope so. To think I actually thought I was going to write a book when I went to India…rookie mistake, to the fullest.
It’s times like these…
Soon I will be at my father’s house in Florida. My plan was to chill there and set up my business…but that won’t be a doable feat, I can already tell. His house will however be a good place to decompress, and reconsolidate. I wrote that same sentence yesterday, but I never posted it. I have written a lot I haven’t posted. It’s kind of crazy how that stacks up.
It’s times like these I am inconsolable. I don’t want to be at this Starbucks writing this blog…I want to be in bed lol. But…not at the hostel. And never again alone. I have been waking up early and going to coffee shops for a long time, but certainly I can see now that should only be a part time gig.
Ha. Sometimes I break off into these wicked day dreams. Some about murder, and some about sex. I like the ones about sex better. They never overlap. Ew. I like my coffee how I like my metal, and I like my love how I like my San Francisco.
I used to write more about the things that go on in my head. Want to hear something I’ve never told anyone? When I used to go into this doughnut shop, I had a crush on the girl that made the doughnuts. One time, I wrote “I wonder if she like’s to be chokefucked,” and then I realized that I couldn’t possibly put that on my website, because it would fuck up my relationship with the donutshop. Somehow that sentence turned into 180 pages of writing I didn’t post, because it was a lot of my writing about my fantasites with girls, but I had a girlfriend at the time, so I never posted any of it.
How fucked up is that? That answer is that I needed to break up with that girl, and get someone that satisfies my life. It took me a long time to do that.
Things are different now. I’m pretty standoffish, and I constantly fear failure. To just have given my heart to two women in a row…what if I’ve only got three times!? Then I have to wait 10 years or something crazy…does the game work like that? Sometimes I think I got a bum controller, because this Game of Life feels like it should be easier to play.
The coffee shop I intend to go to doesn’t open for 38 more minutes. What should I do?!? I guess I am kind of stuck in regards to business. The business models I have created rely on me to produce a lot of written content, and I haven’t been doing that. I believe it to be more of a holistic process.
Two weeks ago the plan was to fly to Bali and start podcasting while I traveled Asia. One week ago the plan was to go home for three months and then come back to Vegas, get a job, and stay for a while. The plan needs to just be “do something that makes me happy.”
I also don’t think going to Oaxaca, meeting the Shamen, and consuming ayahuasca is the answer. Although that offer go throw on the table recently.
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