nye 2020

It’s time I let my genius show to the world. I’m sitting in my bed right now, and I am smiling but it is a fake smile, because I am high. I love to get high, but recently I have been having problems because I can not afford to get high all the time. It’s a plant that should be growing freely, or at least in plentiful amounts as to make it cheaper. Alas, that is not the case. The weed situation is dire, for me. I want to get a med card too, because the weed here in Florida is not so good. The last stuff I got, I kind of expected to suck, and here we are after like 5 days and a quarter smoked, and I’m thinking like…I was wrong. This stuff is still some gas. Now it’s almost all gone and I smoked it hecka fast! I didn’t even smoke a lot of joints…I think just two. I smoked a skinny one, that burned really fast, and then I smoked a fatty which burned for like half a day. I could sit here and talk about weed all day with yall! I love it. What else do I love? San Francisco! I’m working on building myself a career that I love, but it’s been in the making for too long now. Since I got back from Asia I kind of feel like my life has come to be at a standstill, and pretty soon I’m going to be 30, and I live with my dad. I don’t want to be 30 and living with my Dad. Forever I’ve thought that the things I do would eventually propel me into a life of stardom, a life of greatness; These days? I waiver too easily from that manifestation. A life of stardom? Boyyyy I would need to be doing a lot more and working a lot harder to achieve the star life! I mean, I can fucking rap, that’s forsure. If I spent my full time rapping, I think I would find success doing that. It’s just not something which I am drawn towards, I guess. I am drawn towards writing. Earlier today I was filling out an application for Plumia, which is the first country on the internet, and I was relived by the sensations of world travel, and the dream of being a traveling writer – even if working for someone else – manifested itself again.

My problem is that I smoke too much weed, but also, that is not the problem, that is just how the problems is manifesting. My problem is that I am a full grown man that has allowed the passions within his soul to fall to the wayside. Basic things like having my own place to live and an income which is both bountiful and ever present elude me, and for this I am shamed. I am smart, good looking, and now I have overcome addiction, but I can not manage to muster my skills into monetization. I believe it’s the courage ~ I am not talking to the right people. In fact, I am not talking to anyone! All I do is sit around and get high. I need to be sending emails all day. I’ve proven to myself over and over again that smoking small amounts goes a long way for me, but then I never end up doing that. And all the people I surround myself with smoke heavy too. It’s just the vibe! It wouldn’t be a problem at all if I could get paid for writing. That must be the move…if I started working to get paid for my writing, then in 10 years I bet I would be living a very good life. Mhm…kids in school, owning a house, and having traveled the world for a little bit longer.

The time is 01:53 on December 13th of 2020 [I’m going through and editing this on December 31st however, and in truth I am kindddd of guessing on that date. I saved this as “133020” and I think I meant “121320,” maybe. Idk. It’s not worth getting into. Now I’m just rambling as an editor. Gee willikers. I’ve had that crap tobacco for awhile though, and in a little bit here I am going to be talking about Christmas ~ and it’s NYE!], and I’ll tell you; what I’m mostly thinking about is going outside and smoking another bowl. [Oh…and my mind changes so damn much! About I’m talking about freelance writing as a career and, honestly, I’m talking about swerving my deepest desires and dreams. Today? Today I feel like I should do everything in my power to get funded for my ASMR platform idea. Oh the wicked web of ideas my mind weaves!] I bought this tobacco from Walgreens the other day, and it’s all stale as fuck. They must have let it sit in the sun, and cook, for weeks or months because the tobacco is beyond bad. I mean that! It’s not just stale, it’s like…cooked. Smells heavily like cigar tobacco, it’s hard…it’s gross. I fucked that up too, because tobacco is $10 cheaper down the street, but I went to Walgreens because it was convenient. I think I had this literal exact same thing happen to me months ago…I don’t remember much. You know, and I observe that in my father. He doesn’t remember much either, and so his life…I would say it never gets any better. It’s been kind of the same for a long time. He’s watching TV in the living room right now. I love my father, but we are quite different. So! Anyway! I am going to lay down and read, but ultimately probably fall back asleep, and it will have tuned out I just awoke to smoke two bowls, write this, and fall back asleep, which seems like a waste of weed to me. But it’s not! It’s like, I shouldn’t be smoking in the middle of the night for different reasons, but because I can’t afford it? Meh. If you can’t afford the basic necessities you need to live, you are a burden upon yourself and subsequently society, either as a financial or emotional burden, and it is your duty to do something about it. I see my fastest way to monetization to be freelance writing…and so here I am, coming to the same conclusion I came to last week [and last year]! And I was supposed to be taking it easy as I just got high, rebuilt my website, and sent out emails…but I didn’t. I didn’t do shit. And now it’s going to be Christmas and nobody is going to be doing anything! Probably until February type shit. I need not stress. Everything is going to be alright, but still…I wish I knew what I was doing.

x. Spark Twain