Bacon Donut Dell Return

Bacon Donut and Dell Assailant

The time is 18:46 on Saturday May 15th, and I am writing to you from Cheeba Hut. This place is mediocre, but the hours are good and the vibes are on point. I told Ant my thoughts and she said that name sounds mediocre, like a fat cheetah. So, now I’m always going to think of this place as The Fat Cheetah.

I got the Apollo, and it’s like…a sub with salad on it. It looks like Spongebob made this shit, and it tastes like it too. I’m not saying the food is bad! I’m just saying it’s mediocre. Hmm. Come to think of it, I’ve never been to a sub shop that I liked. Change my mind.

I’m really getting balls-deep into my new job. Except, it’s not a job yet haha. I’m going to onboard as a volunteer and an employee at the same time. My boss unveiled his entire plan onto me, and I think it’s brilliant, and I know that I made the right decision in coming here. But, just like many of the jobs I’ve ever gotten, I am coming in at a hectic asf time! I can pay my own way for a little bit, and I’m hoping it leads to something significant down the road.

down the road
Down The Road!

I’m destroying this sub. I guess I really shouldn’t bitch when I blow through them so fast. The meat tastes like high quality meat. I’m quite tired haha. Not like…tired, but just idk. I’m not even out of it. But I need something, and I’m not sure what it is. I’m sure I will find what I’m looking for though. I’d like to think that I always do.

The time is 18:57. I killed the sub. I’m now…not sure what to do. Do I just go home and go to sleep? Damn haha. I have a lot of things I want to do, but I’m still pretty far from accomplishing my goals.

I want to finish rewriting this safety plan. It’s a lot of work. There is a metric tonne of busy-ness happening in all directions. I am in control, but damn if it isn’t hard for me to steer in certain directions haha.

abq selfie
I'm SF they've got MUNI

The time is 07:45 and my throat is a little numb. Certainly means I’m drinking too much kratom. I’ve decided I need to post something today! I go to-far-and-between without posting, and then ppl think I done falled off forever. But I aint! Hang in there ~ whether I be HeartOfZeus or Spark Twain ~ I be here for yee! Can you believe…I’m thinking about changing my name again haha. I need to find a more efficient way to insert emoji’s into my work.

In ABQ we've got QUBI

What I need to do, really, is write a letter to Dell. This computer is such a pile of shit, and now the charger is starting to go on me. I’ve been paying for, like, a protection plan all year? Dumb as fuck, I bet it won’t even cover the charger, but it’s Sunday so I’m not going to call them today. What I am going to do is write a letter, and I’m going to write it right here to make sure that I get it done, and then also yall can see how I would handle some business like this! Because I always be telling people to do crazy shit like email the company and demand your money back, or march into the front office and demand to talk to the CEO. But does Sparky ever do that shit? Hell Yes.

espresso machine
One More Pic before we get into it....


It was over a year ago that I purchased my XPS13, and honestly, I want my money back.

I am an able bodied and knowledgeable individual to be able to make that choice upon my own. I am writing this to you from Michael Thomas Coffee Roasters in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and I’m going to make you sit with me as I try this maple glazed long-john with bacon on top of it! I am really upset, Dell!

Omg, and honestly, I just got a new job and I’m like…I feel like one of those chickens with no head. Do you know what I am talking about? I’m not sure how popular that metaphor is.

Tell me ~ human who is reading my email from Dell ~ What can be done to succumb my frustrations? I’m not a wealthy man, but if I was, I would smash your product on the ground! I’m not happy! And you know what happened now? The charger stopped working correctly.

Oh, jeez, I feel like I’m just rambling and not really listing the problems. You see, what’s wrong is…

  1. It doesn’t always come out of sleep mode. There have been times where I literally couldn’t use my machine for 30 minutes to 1 hour.
  2. The webcam is and has always been blurry. I decided to keep the machine because I was not intending to use the webcam very often. But then it wasn’t the only problem.
  3. The fingerprint reader doesn’t work 25% of the time. And it’s not like I need to “wipe it off” or something, because when it doesn’t work. It will not work for days, or even weeks at a time.
  4. The charger has always made a whining noise and get hot very easily in all environments. It whines when it gets hot.
  5. The USB ports are sensitive, and my devices will disconnect if I brush the cords. I experience this with all 3 USB ports.
  6. As of recently, the charger does not always work. I know that it is the charger, and not the port, because I tested your charger by plugging it into other USB C devices ~ this was just for testing ~ I only ever use the Dell charger to charge the Dell laptop, and I don’t charge any other devices with it.
  7. Last but not least, I found your payment plan to be less than desirable. At the beginning of my payments, I observed that my protection plan was added onto my monthly bill, instead of bill in full at the beginning. This monthly charge neutralized a good portion of my monthly payments, and I just couldn’t believe that you actually choose that structure for your customers! If I had known it would be a monthly charge, I would never have subscribed for Dell Protection, but I decided not to complain after the fact. I’m wasn’t going to waste my time on the phone with yall. If the product had been good, then there would have been no further issue.

Since I did subscribe for Dell protection, and I have been paying for it this whole time, I strongly believe that the fair way to solve my issue is to accept my returning the laptop and charger, together, and simultaneously wiping out my entire Dell Financial Services balance.


Then I will use my Dell Financing account to purchase a new, different laptop from your website.

I’m asking for store credit.

I’ve been using this machine for over a year, and I know it would be a ridiculous request to ask for my money back, but seriously, I am not happy with my purchase!!!

I want you to repair this relationship between us. Please. And no matter what happens, I am going to review my experience and publish it on the internet through multiple outlets.

Thank You for your time,

x. Chris

[My gmail address]


OKAY SERIOUSLY! I’m going to send them that w h o l e b u l l s h I t.

And just now I sent a message to Ant about how we should do vintage together. Might be a lot of power in sending clothes coast to coast.

I definitely have to poop. Idk if I’m gonna be able to poop in here. Makes me a lil nervous. And I was gonna just leave my stuff here…hmm…is that really safe? I feel the poop retreating. I’m not happy. I should have done it. I should still do it! I definitely at least have to pee, and I’m not planning to leave yet, so I gotta get something done!

…I did not poop, but I did pee. I sit down to pee a lot these days. I guess I have one of those “shy bladders” I’ve so often heard about. And so, sometimes I gotta sit down to pee.

I peed on another human being once, and I’ll do it to you too if you come at me sideways about my piss situation. I’ve never killed anybody. OR IM LYING. Come at me.

Yesterday, on my way out of the building and as I unplugged my laptop charger, I think I knocked out the wifi at Cheeba Hut, AKA The Fat Cheetah. That place is far from awesome, but it’s open late, and the vibes are on point. I wrote that same thing yesterday.

This coffee shop I’m at has one entrance, and one exit, and they are on opposite sides of the building. It’s funny to watch people walk up to the exit door. Not that funny, but, like a 4 out of 10 maybe. Maybe less. It’s less funny the more I talk about it.

I love this city. The Q. Is there another city called The Q? Hmm, and actually, I think we should call it The Que, just incase. My hands are starting to do that shaky thing. I am in a bad position for writing. Plus I think coffee might hit my nerves weird, or something. It’s hard to tell. I am full of chemicals, tbh. I consume a lot of too much of everything haha.

I’m a bit tired! That’s because I ate that crazy fucking donut. Damn that shit was crazy. Cold bacon on a maple glazed donut? I mean…it was not required, but, I just wanted to write about it. It was good! Not as good as the Krispy Kreme hamburger, but, for an early morning Sunday snack? I thought it was colossal. Only thing that could make it better is if it was a scone. And you know what? When I got here they didn’t have any scones, but now they do. I’m thinking about getting one. Think it’ll make me even more tired? I don’t see how that’s the possible haha. I’m literally nodding off here. It’s kind of fun to let my mind wander and my body salute. But, it’s also probably not that healthy. I wasn’t always able to do it, but these days? I can literally write in my sleep!

If I’m this tired, I don’t know if it’s a wise idea for me to order anything more. You know? I guess what I really need is food! I bought some meat yesterday and it’s at my flat. I made a crazy-bland burger and ate that shit between two very-good slices of bread from Ihatov. It’s this bread place around the corner. They serve bread and coffee. The bread is top notch, no doubt about that.

The time is 08:58 and the day is May 16th. I am should be doing some more work for my actual job. I’m in love with the possibilities, and so I want to take over a section of the business and make it my own. It’s going to be social media. First I am going to help them do some things, just random things, as I get to know the business inside and out, but then I want to take over the social media game. I’m going in. And the website. I want that area to be mine. IT manager? Holy shit. IT Director? Is that going to be my title? I was “gunning” for the Associate Director position, but after thinking about it yesterday it’s like…I want to be the kind of person to takes on tasks like that and smashes them out of the park…but I’m not. I think I would smash the social media out of the park, and so I will stick to that. I’m going to have to apologize to my boss for getting so excited haha. He is super busy, and I want to help take some of that weight off his shoulders. It’s not difficult, but I want to make sure it has longevity also.

So what am I going to do? I’m going to do what I do best! I’m going to write! So…yeah! I’m going to go do that.

Aw shucks! Will I ever really get this posted? And what about sending the letter to Dell? I need to do all that stuff first, forsure. But then? Onto the writing of stuff!

x. Spark Twain

P.S. I’m using the public internet without a VPN or anything today [Nord kind of sucks, after using them for 2+ years].  Usually that kind of thing makes me nervous, but as of late I’ve lightened up. There was one time where forsure this guy was trying to steal my information, and so, since that day I have been slowly evolving my views on how to identify a cyber security threat. I’m not worried in here, but, I could be, because I’m sure there are people more knowledgeable than I.

P.P.S. It’s getting hella busy in here!