Is This The One?

I am the king of instability! At least, mental instability that is. Mmm ~ I can’t even lie about it, I feel immediately better now that my pen is to the computer screen. That’s how I get all my stuff done. I write on my old computers with pen, and then I ship everything off to my guys in Vietnam to get drafted into what you read here.

I’m fucking with you. I must be smoking too much of that thuốc láo! Know what I’m saiyan!?

 Or maybe you know that I’m Super Saiyan. And you would be correct, because I do have that ability. Or, at least, I’ve done it once or two. To be honest

The time is 12:45, and I’ve been playing around on my phone instead of writing for the last twenty minutes. For most people, I believe a phone impedes progress more than it helps it. Mostly however, that is mentally speaking. As far as allowing the robots to take over, a phone is definitely getting us on the right path to that goal. And remember, I’m a guy who wants to be part robot and live to be 800 years, so…I’m not really sure how I feel about it, I just know that it feels like a logical move.

I live such a blessed life. I know a lot of people who would live my life much more aggressively haha. Ride that motherfucker till the wheels fall off! I did, in some senses. But in other senses, I remain living in fear, and it does not please me.

My place of employment is quite nice, although I am having difficulty keeping up with the job. Idk. I’m more like our clients than the rest of our staff, that’s forsure. But don’t be mistaken, I am not bothered by this, nor do I feel out of place. I just know that I need to start working within the confines of my own reality. My life is a fucking roller coaster of emotions, and I want to put myself in a position where I feel secure. I have like, never felt secure. I’m not very good with my money, and that is a major reason.

I just paid my rent, right, and so…I’ve got a whole moth before I need to pay it again! But, forreal, I don’t have very much money left. I certainly don’t have enough money to pay next months rent. And here I am, working at a place that…I’m not really sure I will be of any help to these people! It’s kind of weird. Like, I’ve got this job that, honestly is something I have sought after for a long time. No bod tells me what to do, and I don’t have to check in with or talk to anyone. But, for that same reason, they kind of just left me on my own for a a couple of weeks, and I didn’t get all that much done I didn’t overbill them or anything, so It’s not like I’m stressed about lying or something, but I am realized that…I feel a little out of place, and although I want to work with addicts because I believe it will ultimately empower me, and my interests and skills align with addiction recovery work, I feel like I haven’t brought anything to the table.

However, last night…well, about 29 to 26 hours ago at this point, I was downtown at the First Friday Art Walk in Albuquerque, and you know what the fuck I did? I sold kr8m shots for $5 a piece and I made like $75. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I was on cloud 9. You see…well, here’s how it all went down

I was riding the bus…I was going to a coffeeshop. I remember the girl who was working was cute, but she was tiny and appeared childish Some people are into that. But she also very light to the tough, this barista. I’m into the tough ones. Anyway.

Left my house and decided to traverse to this coffeeshop, because it was new to me! I like a new coffee shop.

It was quite a fancy place. Black with the sliver accents ~ and I Do believe I am remembering correctly. I’m  going to H an L and then S a B and then keep writing.

Where was I? Talking about my trip to the coffee shop. But I do feel the sudden urge to put down what I am writing and write fiction. I view writing a book the same way I view reading a book. It sounds so appetizing to sit down, and finish the whole thing in, essentially, one sitting. That will never happen, although my idea has always been to be able to take the time off to write my first book but I just had that, and I didn’t do it. My problem is that I am not treating myself right, but anyway, I did the other night so lets get back to the story haha.

I went to the coffee shop, which is also right by the university, and the women and the espresso were mediocre. The amount of outlets was impressive, and the architecture was very utilitarian ~ my old boss Matt would have loved it. It’s weird referring to him as my boss. It’s weird referring to anyone as my boss. Well, that’s not true. My current boss moves forward in a different way. Things are so loose here in NM, it’s almost like…I don’t understand it haha.

Espresso and women. That’s how I’d prefer to start every day. Wouldn’t most Americans prefer to start their day that way? I should put it on a shirt, because that’s really how I feel.

So I spent about…an hour, at that espresso bar and I’ll call it, because that what it was, really. Reminded me a lot of 43 Factory with it’s styling. Both places are cold. Foreigners have never heard of carpet, but 50 years ago we were putting that shit on the walls so nobody is fuckin with America, ever. Except, have you looking at what kind of money is coming out of China? They ran it up quick! China was as poor as Chile in 1976, but by 1996, and now by 2021 they are intense! Did you know that China produced as much fossil fuels in 2013 as America produced for the entirety of our industrial revolution? Isn’t that fucking crazy? It’s because they were building a lot of roads that year. Go look at a map of China, and look how many roads it has. When I was in Vietnam I spent a lot of time looking at the map, and realized how I could basically walk right up to China if I wanted. And then I noticed the roads. And then I kept spanning the map. It was cold it Factory 43 Coffee that was really an espresso bar…hmm, not really though, it’s just that all of their coffee was pour over. You’ll go to this place someday, I know you will. Factory 43. I’ve been making it famous for years. I bet people go in there all the time and say I read about this place on

VM Coffee in ABQ

I’m fucking with one of us, and I think it’s me this time. I’m fucking with me.

Are you still fucking with me? I know you are.

43 Factory Coffee in VM

So I left the fucking espresso bar, after doing some writing and lollygagging, and I walked toward downtown. My destination was Humble Coffee, but as I started to get into the downtown I could see that everyone was setting up for…something. So I walked, and I walked, and I eventually came across a guy selling pipes and started choppin it up with him. He is a glass blower and he was out there selling his goods with him wife and his other friend. Aight, cool. After I told him I make these tyedye shirts and pointed to whatever I happened to be wearing, he told me you should come down and setup bro! I’ll save you a spot. And I gave him the spiel about how I don’t have a car, which is the truth, and so we exchange information and I went on my merry way.

Coming back downtown was basically obligatory at that point, for me. A lot of beautiful women and I just met a cool glassblower, why would I not come back down? I was planning to drop my computer off at home and then coming back down.

Boom! On the way home it hit me. I should sell kr8m shots and so I busted some quick moves.

I dropped my stuff off at home, smoked a bowl, and then proceeded to Walmart. I knew I needed dixie cups and I was considering getting a pitcher. If you don’t know what a dixie cup is, it’s the best cup, although once they are 100% made w/o plastic, then they will really be the best cups.

But, so I went and picked out dixies and then bam I see it. Lemon juice. You want to know the secret to selling kratom? Put lemon juice in that shit. That’s how I drink all my kratom now a days. Oh, yo, my shit is getting off the chain. I got 7 different strains of kratom in the house right now and like ¾ of a gallon mixed up into a little white and a lotta red. I drank like 800 grams of white kr8m since I broke up with you-know-who. And although that was awhile ago, it’s still too fast to be drinking 800 grams. But idk. I am become one with the kratom. Yall in Florida introduced me to this shit, and now I am unstoppable force of information and malice! Eating the confusion of my fellow earthlings and shitting it out as techniques drippin out my buttcheeks. Sleep on my stomach so I don’t fuck up my sheets.

I left the store with 400 dixie cups, 1.8 quarts of lemon juice, a pitcher, a gallon of spring water, and dreams that can’t be assigned a clear value.

Arrived home, dropped the stuff off, ran to the weed store from which I live two blocks, and then when I got back home I smoked a bowl, mixed up some kratom in a jug, and zipped downtown with all the stuff I left Walmart with, except half the water had been turned into red kratom and I had it in a separate container. A Simply container, to be exact. Aren’t they such nice containers? The juice ones, I’m talking about.

Glass Hand, by:

Pulled up on my friend The Glassblower, and told him that I wasn’t there to sell t-shirts, but that I did have intentions of selling kr8m. I asked him if he had ever heard of it. He had. A lot of people had. In fact, most of the people I encountered at art walk had heard of kratom, and a surprising amount of them had tried it before. So I didn’t have to leap the gap of education! Although I still educated the consumers in quite a powerful way. It’s amazing how confident I am when it comes to my knowledgeable subjects, vs my non-knowledgeable subjects. It’s being demonstrated in my daily life right now.

Kr8m Tabl

I’m practically over telling the story haha. I can be a terrible when it comes to dedication.

I sold like 15+ shots of kr8m! At $5 per! For me, it was incredible. All these people in Florida seem to make pretty good money going out and selling their creations. I am terrible. If I am not perfectly locked into what makes me happy, then I fail miserably. And at the Art Walk on Friday, I felt better than I’ve felt in a long time. It felt good to make money again.

So how can I supersize it? How can I really live? Hmm. I need to figure it out, because I feel a lot of types of ways, and they are bad ways like scared and alone and I don’t like feeling that type of shit. Albeit, I’ve felt fucked up for a long, long time. I’m not sure what my move is going to be, but I have got to bust one. I guess that’s why I am talking to you about it. Doing this work for the recovery center is making me feel like a failure. I don’t really understand how to do what I’m supposed to be doing, and there is absolutely no direction at the job and all the sudden It’s not feeling like a job which will bring me satisfaction for years to come. I don’t want that. I literally don’t even understand what I’m supposed to be doing! Haha, and for me, that is quite strange. But if not here…then where? Then I’m going to have to just get any ole job in Albuquerque, and that sucks. I was pretty excited to be working with this place, honestly, but it kind of all fell over the past week. I said something dumb to the doctor at the clinic, and then my boss told me not to go into the clinic, right? And so I kind of thought I might get fired before I even start haha, and so I started preparing for other things! I started thinking about how I would really pay my rent in July if this job fell through. I came to the conclusion that I should open a business doing social media and copywriting. Which, although could be difficult, I think would also be quite rewarding. There are a lot of people who need websites built! And if I start charging people a monthly fee instead of an upfront fee, I Think people might start to bite at that. Like, for $50 per month + an upfront fee of $150, I will create and manage your website. For an additional $20 I will write a blog post. If you want 4 blog posts per month, that $130 per month. If you just want someplace basic to sell art, then for $50 per month I will take care of everything. Purchase and maintain the name, as well as manage the storage. I haven’t really figured out pricing. And even that…is like…whoa. I’m not sure I’m really cut out for that. I might just like thinking about it haha. I know that I am cut out to open a kava bar…because I’ve been working in restaurants my whole life and…well, I just fucking feel it, okay! I feel it. Forsure. Last night was a game changer. And then today, you know what I did? I spent all day working on this handbook for the addiction recovery organization I am supposed to be working with, and I kind of just felt like a failure all day. I think I get lost because there is no creativity. Like ~ I could easily just take something that already exists and plug it into place so that we have some training materials. But then I’m also not sure who is going to be doing the teaching, and so it’s like…the person doing the teaching should prepare their own materials? At least when we are talking about something as serious as hard reduction or medically assisted treatment. Hmm. But it seems like the move! If I can get past this hurdle, then I believe it will be smooth sailing. I just plan to be managing the social media and the website, basically. I was going to publish a newsletter. I was going to do a lot of things. Is this how it would be if I ran a business? My boss reminds me a lot of myself. I can’t even say that it’s disorganized, because I really don’t understand it yet. I see the flow of people through the building, and I know that I would be a great person to help keep people interested and coming back to the center….but that’s 100% not what I want with my life, I don’t even have to think twice about it. I’m here because I want to help people get sober, forsure, but what we do at our clinic is not something I am interested in. Most of our patients never come back, and that doesn’t bother me. These people are out living their own lives, and I feel like I should be out living my own life too. Honestly. I want to wake up in the morning and work on my Kava/Kratom endevour. I do! I fucking do! I want to write our handbook so I can get paid, and at this point that’s about it. I suppose that’s good though, right? Maybe it means I can stop over thinking it! I should just pile something together without giving a shit about the follow though, because it the only option I’ve got! There is no follow through. I might take this class that allows me to be a counselor. I am interested in it. The job pays well! That’s an interesting part. But you know what? Oh. I don’t know what. I guess I forgot haha.

The time is 02:35. I’ve literally just been writing for like 2 hours. It feels pretty good, actually. The day is June 6th, 2021. I’m thinking about kava! I’m thinking about where I could go and do it. I’m thinking about how if I try to balance it with anything else my risk of failure is too high. I’m thinking about if I should try and secure a paycheck from this place first. It doesn’t sound promising. In this moment, right now, I’m thinking that I should get another job. Maybe serving, or something. I could work at a bar. Something. I need to be able to pay the rent! And then go out at night and sell kava. The job I supposedly have now…it’s not that kind of thing. It’s all or nothing. It’s not like I can do that work all day, and then at night switch to my kava mode. I gave this place my all for a month. I read all their paperwork. I went into the building and tried to breath in the ecosystem. I just don’t understand it. I want to understand it, and to like it so bad, but I just don’t! I have a feeling that if I don’t bust a huge move immediately in a new direction, I will regret it later. By the time college starts up again, I could be talking about running a full fledged kava bar.

Filming a Commercial

The time is now 09:34 and I am writing to you from Michael Thomas Coffee Roasters. Although, you know what? I think I’m going to start going to Ihatov Bread & Coffee as much as I can, because, honestly, I think it’s cheaper, and it’s literally the same coffee, and the same scones. Here is the coffee shop, and they import the scones, but there is the scone shop and they import the coffee! I’m the kind of person who would rather have their coffee imported. I’m a sconer for life! I’m getting sconed right now. Forreal.

One Bitcoin is currently worth $36,171. I wish I would have started documenting that before it went insane, but I think we all are thinking that way. This scone is intense on the stomach. I eat hella sugar, but I’m trying to eat less. Anyway.

I was thinking about getting on a trail about the girl who works at the coffee shop, but I’ll just mention her in passing. What’s really on my mind is kava and kratom. Like ~ I should be working on the paperwork for my job, but I just can’t help being interested in what I’m interested in! That being said, I’m not really sure how to proceed. My number one awareness, is that I will have to pay the rent at the end of the month, and I am not really on a track to get that paid. What should I do? I’m not really feeling that if I dedicate all my time to this recovery organization over the next month, it will result in anything more significant that paying the rent. For some reason…I just get the feeling that there isn’t going to be anything to be had from that place for…awhile. I want ~ so bad ~ to believe that continuing to give me time to this place will be prosperous for me, but…I am not convinced. There was a short amount of time where I was considering taking on their social media as my own business entity, and working out a price for that where I can support myself. But I just don’t feel it. I want to feel it. It’s been a month, and somehow I didn’t really get any work done. That’s another thing haha. I’m bad at the job! My boss is super chill, and is letting me “work from home,” but I don’t quite understand how to complete what I am being asked to complete. Look ~ In a period of like 3 or 4 hours I wrote 3,542 words haha. Literally, exactly, that’s what it says in the corner of my Word doc. Forty Two! Is that a sign? So, anyway. I produced this blog post with ease. If I was getting paid to go back and edit it, then I would do that meticulously. However, this is not the type of writing I am being asked to do. I am being asked to create technical manuals. Which…Dude, honestly I really want to just do it and collect the paycheck, but my boss talks about how it will be months before they are able to pay me properly…and I’m not really sure what that means, because I haven’t asked. So, anyway. I feel like if I just totally put that project down ~ give all the social media keys back and cancel the meeting I have this week to take on more social media responsibility…and just move on to something new. Get a job. Am I supposed to get a job? It’s Sunday! I should be able to sell kava! I need to figure out a way to get out there and start selling the stuff. I did setup a business on Google for my current residence, and I labeled it as a “media house” but I think I should change it to “kava bar” or “dry bar” and then run advertisements. The problem is that I really can’t fund much of that. I reached out to my guy E and told him if you’ve ever thought about starting it, right now in Albuquerque with me is the move, or something like that. I told him to buy Dogecoin before it went insane and I know he made a little bit of money with that piece of advice. If he feels like he owes me anything, then I’d love to reap what I can. It could be a blessing for both of us. He’s the first person I reached out to because I’ve already proven myself to him. Get that? It feels like a lot, to me. A guy just walked into the same room as me and he smells insanely strong like cologne.

What do I really need to start my kava bar? I do believe that money is required, but it’s not even that. I need some basic things ~ like a license and a car haha. BUT! Instead of typing that last sentence, actually what I did was text my new friend Skum and then he called me right away, and he is gonna pull up on me and pick me and we are gonna talk business. My first friend in Albuquerque! Basically. Except the people I work with, except that I might not be working with them anymore soon so then they will simply be my friends.

Right now, I feel like if I stop working with the addiction recovery organization, I will regret it…but I think that’s just fear talking to me, and the hope of getting paid. I’m ready to write off all the work I did for them, basically, because it wasn’t much. Just wrote some blog posts and tore the website a new asshole haha. It is way easier for us to manage now, but it doesn’t look as good…however if I stop working with them, then I will probably want to reset it to how it was before. It was impossible to work with, but if no one on the staff can work with it anyway…what good does it do?

I like the long term idea of working with the recovery organization, but I don’t like the idea of getting up to speed with them. That being said, I definitely think ABQ is the spot for me! I sold fifteen $5 kratom shots in an hour! And I want to double that next Saturday. And I am going to be way more vigilant with my money. I need to get a car ~ that’s like number one above all else. I need to find a way around. I’d like to find a business partner who has a car. I’m hoping Skum will be someone I can work closely with. It sounds like he knows some people that need IT work, and I’m the Technical Gypsy! Maybe I should buy that website…guaranteed it’s for sale haha.

Hmm. Buy maybe I want to get out of here and go home and take a shit before I get scooped, or something. Yeah. And then…I’m going to plan a rough pathway to paying the rent in July, and tomorrow I will know if I am continuing with the recovery place, or if I am going to go off and do my own thing. I know, deep down, that I should do my own thing. I can keep managing their website and socials for free, for right now, and maybe in a couple months when they can pay me I will reap the benefits. It seems like it would be difficult and pointless to remove me from all their socials and stuff, you know? But I also don’t know if I am the technical writer of their dreams. I need to make sure I can come up with like $1,200 per month for basic living expenses. If I have to get a job…then maybe I will fucking do that! I might work at Walmart or something haha. I’m chill. Just need to make money to pay rent! And I’m going to work to open my business. The question is…Kava Diablo…or some other name. I have Kava Bus too…hmm, but idk about that one. I can’t drive a bus! Fuck! Hha. Okay Imma get out of here. The time is 10:20 on June 6th and I’m leaving MTCR. Peace!

The time is 06:37 June 8th 2021, and I am writing to you from MCTR. Love this place! Yo. I need to figure out a way to protect my blog behind a paywall, because I am going to start providing way more value than ever before. It’s like…I’m getting older, and I keep learning. I’m always scared that I’m going to start going downhill haha, but I guess I’m not that scared. I be confident about it. Life.

I’m going to a job interview to wash dishes at noon today. Dishwashing! Can you believe it?! Haha. I think you really can. You know what though, I’ve decided I want to get a job bartending. That should be easy enough, right? I don’t have any experience, really. MY mom has been a bartender my whole life though, does that count for anything? Haha. I just can see myself being god at bartending! If the money was right, I would show up, and focus. Ugh. And I need to call me boss, forsure. I filmed a YouTube video yesterday and the only reason I didn’t post it is because I was scared my boss would see it haha. And I talk about stuff that I haven’t talked to him about yet! He is awaiting for me to produce some sort of training materials, but I’ve not realized that…I’m not sure how to proceed. Plus, I need to make sure I am getting paid so I can pay my rent. Oh jeez ~ that’s another thing. I need 2 days off per month, a Friday and a Saturday, so that I can go downtown and crank on my personal endevour. I’ve already decided that if they tell me I can’t have this upcoming Saturday off, then I have to turn the job down. But you know what? Then I might be kind of fucked! I’m basically out of money. I can’t afford the coffee I’m drinking, so it’s a good thing that the machine was having issues this morning haha. For the past three weeks, I’ve come here everyday, save 2 or 3.

I’m not stuck…but I definitely have trouble making decisions. I found a hostel in Lake Tahoe that is hiring, and I was thinking about contacting them and seeing if I could start there maybe in August or September. That would be crazy! Moving into another hostel. But then truth is ~ I need to get on my grind, somehow.

So, do I email the hostel and set something up for a couple of months out? And then I have a goal, you know. And what I want to do, either way, is go HAM with my YouTube channel.

Okay, and just now I walked up to this older gentleman Sam Pillsbury, [age is a number, but when this man says he is retiring in a month, I’d think for him to agree that he is indeed an older gentleman] and gave him my information [I wrote too tiny ~ remember not to write tiny], and invited him onto my podcast! That’s the real deal. If I build it, people will come. But that’s not how they will spell it.

I’m going to continue my Journey to a Profitable Business series on YouTube, which…I actually turned private for the last month or so. Idk why. I shouldn’t make stuff that I am embarrassed about, and I am not embarrassed about my YouTube videos. I’m embarrassed that I have to go get a job washing dishes at Two Fools Tavern lol. But I’m definitely going to put them on YouTube as well. That’s kind of my theme, is that I’m tired of being broke. I think I can help inspire and motivate a huge number of people, probably between the ages of 25 and 45, to change the way they focus on money. Once I get myself up, I want to develop a business that allows other people to get a leg up. Hmm.

If I could have any tools in the world right now, what would I take?

A car. Definitely a car. That’s what I need more than anything, is to get my license back.

I’ve been thinking about sending out some emails and trying to raise money for my latest business idea. It’s a brilliant fucking idea. I wish I could just go about it myself. Maybe I should assemble a whole business plan…is that what I should do right now? I could build the whole business plan and put it onto the website, and then anybody could fund me. How much do you think I need? The thing is, I have a spot! In mind…I have a spot in mind haha. I’ve thought about turning my apartment into a business. In fact, I have. I dropped two businesses on Google Maps where my apartment is haha. This is good! I still have the one in San Francisco, Heart Of Zeus, and it gets like a couple hundred views per month. I could do better with this one here in ABQ.

Ugh. Plus I can build websites. There are a lot of ways I should be able to make money besides washing dishes…yet somehow…

Maybe I need a girl to keep me on track. There’s only one girl that I talk to or think about these days. Hmm. But I know that what I really need is independence haha. I will never be happy until I really get dat bag! Forreal. Gotta be bouttabag.

x. Spark Twain