I Thought It Was Valiant But It Was Probably Unwise

Immedietly as I was leaving, I thought to myself it was foolish I didn’t look you in the eyes. I’m sorry. In my head, I guess I thought I was being polite. It was busy in there. Idk. I feel a lot of emotions sometimes that I don’t think are really worth feeling. Like, you don’t know why I didn’t look at you ~ but the painful thing is, neither do I. It’s a special day for me, and even though I might just be talking to myself on the internet, I guess, now that it’s over, I wish I could have shared a bit of it with you. Ha. I’m crying. I think I have other issues in which I just get flooded with emotions and they leak out of me. I might have some problems, but I think this is okay. I met another girl today, and I gave her all of my information. I’m attracted to her too, but I’m attracted to you more. Except I’ve never seen your face. Which, for what it is, I’m rather enjoying. I don’t think about it much. 

Ha. I’ve been writing for a long time, but honestly, I think this is the most intimate I’ve gotten with someone over the internet. I’ve written that I wanted to have sex with people before, and stuff like that. I’ve written some gruesome stuff. Stuff that is going to come back to bite me in the ass, forsure. But I’ve never held a conversation with someone, expecting…at least halfway that they were listening, for this long. *shrugs* This is foreplay lol. What do you want to do when you get ahold of me? I’m ready for everything. 

Okay, so if I told you I’ve written about a thousand girls in this fashion, would you hold it against me? I’ve only had sex with like 25 people. Less people than I am years old, I’m pretty sure. This doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes when I talk about sex, people get the idea that I am trying to achieve some sort of number, but that’s not it. It’s just that, since nothing has ever lasted, I’ve begun to think it will be something else that appeases me. I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I change my mind about things a lot, but also, I want real fucking love. None of that fake shit I see at everybody’s family reunion. 

Well! I’ve brushed my teeth, and I’m sitting here in my underwear writing this, and I’m about to lay down. I’m going to read a little. I’m reading Tick Tock, by Dean Koontz. It’s quite good. I’m only like 50 pages in. I was going to keep writing ~ I’m out here talking about crying and shit, on my birthday. Classic human. Am I right? And then tomorrow I go to work. And the next day. And the next day. I haven’t gone to work in a long, long time. I’m not super excited about it, but I’m still going to give it 110%, because that’s what they pay me for. My goal is to keep a notebook with me, and everytime I think of something I would be doing to generate wealth if I wasn’t working, to write that thing down and then actually pursue it on my days off and in my free time. I have to fix my websites and stuff, I’ve known that for a while. Idk why I haven’t. I’m kind of lazy. But I like to write!

After making $75 selling kr8m that one time…I’m going to go back to going that. NQ. That was really a crazy night. I need to find a way to do that more. I just don’t have the capital! Ugh. I’m not going to get into it. I always write about these same things. Of course, evolution is there, but stagnancy is as well. My microphone and I; my computer and I. We all have our dates and our dances. 

Not really sure what I’m waiting for. I’m not really waiting for anything. I wish I would have looked you in the eyes today, I think that would have made my birthday legitimately, a little better, even though it’s sappy as all hell.

If you’re not the person I’m writing to, doubly thanks for reading haha.

x. Spark Twain