Resin ~ Rent ~ & Really Good Pussy

The time is 10:14 on July 22nd, and I am writing to you from my house. I’m about to smoke resin, because I don’t have any weed.

My astrology says that I shouldn’t rely on a partner for happiness, but damn if I don’t want a partner so bad. However, wanting something doesn’t make it happen, I guess. Well, that’s not true haha. Manifest! Baby! I do believe in that stuff. In fact, I believe in it a lot. And I respect my astrology. That being said ~ let’s get married! Haha.

I’m so fucking attracted to you.

Not very many people read this blog, even though I’ve been writing it for years haha, but I’d like to think I wouldn’t adjust what I am writing even if I knew a million people were going to read it.

I say that because there are a lot of aspects of my life that I am rather embarrassed about. For instance, I’m broke as hell.

Right now, at this point in time, I have literally no idea how I am going to pay my rent for the upcoming month haha. I’m not even close, at this point. It’s feeling very unlikely that kava will get me there. I was expecting to do a lot better at art walk, but it rained for most of the event. Anyway, I reached out to my mom to see if she can help with the rent. We shall see. I feel like a burden being an almost-30 year old and not having any money, but at the same time, I really believe that I am manifesting greatness here.

What do I need to be happy? That is the real question. Going out and selling kava makes me happy, but I get quite disheartened when I don’t make any money doing it, and I haven’t made any money all week. I’m kind of wondering if people are staying in their house because of the delta variant. And again, I quit my job haha. What if everyone gets another 6 months of unemployment that I miss out on? Meh. What is meant to be, will be. Or…something like that.

Forreal tho ~ everyone got more free money from the government than me last year, it seemed. And I’m not sour about it or anything. In fact, I know it’s another part of what makes me, me.

So, let me just tell you my vision.

You and I ~ two extraordinarily beautiful humans ~ going out and selling kava everynight. Hmm. But it’s more than that. I want you to sit with me as I ponder about ideas and make decisions. I really need help making decisions. Together, You and I could create an empire! I want you to hear my whole idea about opening a kava bar, and then I want you to help bring those dreams to life. Our Dreams. Of course, I want to help you bring your dreams to life as well. But I really do believe that I know how we can “get rich” as it were. We won’t be rich, but we will be more successful than a lot of the people we know, probably. That’s just you and me, because of the type of people we surround ourselves with.

I want you to go to investor meetings with me and help me raise capital! I need you by my side.

But I don’t want to be business partners. I want to be lovers. Of course, I want you to be a part owner of the business, but I just thought I should clarify ~ in case you’re getting the wrong idea.

Lovers, or nothing. This is what I can handle. Very seriously, you are fucking beautiful, and I want to give you even more than I want to give myself! I know this is unhealthy, but that’s how I am. I don’t want to feel bad about being myself. I’m getting older, and I’m realizing that I enjoy a lot of stuff which society deems to be unhealthy. I will provide a better life for my children, but for myself, I might keep doing a lot of things which are unhealthy. This includes being my clingy-self. I want to tell you I love you before I even kiss you, because it’s true af.

Oh! But who am I to praise so highly of your Goddess, and yet myself remain in un-godly form?!? I’m nothing. Forreal ~ right now ~ I aint shit. I need a lot of help. I need love. I feel like I’m being pretty bold about it too. Like, I’m out here on the internet ~ a place bigger than the Earth itself ~ and I am speaking from the heart. I need more love in my life, and I’m quite confused and disappointed that I can’t attract it. Of course, I know I have a lot of love. People watch my IG and they tell me I inspire them, but what I need right now is a lover. So, I guess that’s different than love. In fact, I guess, it’s more like I need someone to give love to. I’m so deprived of being able to show my emotions. I’m a loner, which is fine, but I’m supposed to be a loner with a someone by my side. I have these large swaths of time where I don’t have any human contact. Like…it’s not healthy. I feel it in my soul that it is not healthy to go this long without physical contact of another human, particularly in the form of intimacy. I’m not sure why I let it happen…and so I don’t really consider it to be something I “let” happen…I guess I look to something higher to explain why that part of my life is the way it is.

Part of it is my confidence. Imagine we make love and then fall deep into conversation, and I have no choice but to tell you the truth, which is that I am a man with no money. That’s it! I’m not an evil man, and I’m a rather capable one indeed, but I really am a man with no money. Why? I’m working to figure that out. There is something I’m missing. When I get a job, it never feels like the right move ~ but now I’m out on the street selling kava, and it’s not really working for me! Haha. I seriously thought that I would be able to pay my rent off this kava ish, but that obviously isn’t the case. And it’s got me thinking about winter too. And even Fall. What am I going to do? I don’t see why people would suddenly start buying kava like crazy in the next week, but obviously if that happened, it would be raw, because it would bring me closer to paying my rent. And, honestly, I only signed a 4 month lease, so if my landlord had to take my security deposit for the rent, I don’t see why he wouldn’t. However…where does that put me? The only option I really see is moving back in with my father…but that was a terrible time. I don’t know what happened down there in Florida, but I feel like my entire life fell apart while I was there haha, and so I’m a little scared to go back.

I could go live on the beach in California and sell kava. Probably would make enough to eat, but I might never make enough to leave the beach. Hmm. I could get another job in Albuquerque. That sounds so miserable. Why not just go to LA and make $15 per hour then? And more-over…I’m 29 years old and I’ve been all around the planet, and I’m intelligent and ~ although mismanaged and well-injured ~ I am very hardworking. I should be able to get funding for my kava bar. Whenever I talk to people about it, they always say “you’re going to have to prove why your company is worth X.” And so, it’s really got me thinking. LET’S BE BUSINESS PARTNERS AND THEN HAVE BABIES.

I’m going to be hella embarrassed I wrote that later haha. Maybe. But it’s really how I feel right now! Am I wrong to feel that I need more love in my life if I am to succeed in opening a business? I guess I also have problems separating myself emotions from physical contact. But I don’t think it’s a problem. I never have sex with a girl that I wouldn’t be happy to have a child with.

Regarding my astrology ~ I feel like I have a really strong grasp on my independence. Like, it’ll [The Pattern] tell me stuff like “If you find yourself adjusting your actions based on how your partner will react, this is unhealthy.” Of course, I agree with that, but…I don’t have a partner! And tbh, I don’t think I fall victim to this. I’m a super nice guy ~ maybe too nice ~ and that’s why I need you! Haha. You’re obviously super nice too, but then together, we can be assertive and take everything this world has to offer!

Now that I’m editing this, I’m actually remembering the obvious. ONLY FANS! I’d love to meet a girl who will let me eat her pussy from the back, film it, and put it on only fans. We would do that ~ it wouldn’t be “me,” it would be “us.” Now, I am have been writing this whole article with a particular woman in mind…I just spent ten seconds imagining what it would be like to rub my face all over her body. Just closed me eyes…and it was litty boi ! I’ll tell ya. I feel this way about a lot of women, back to back, but eventually I’m going to literally fall head-over-fucking-heels in love with a girl. That hasn’t happened to me…maybe ever. Yeah. Never. I’m looking for something new. Maybe I am ready for it, or maybe I have more to do before I am ready for it ~ but I want this girl bad. Should I do that 3-6-9 manifest thing. Is it unhealthy to try and manifest a woman that way? I should probably work to manifest something more general…but I certainly won’t.

If I had three wishes, I would give them all to you. I love you! Haha. I feel you in my soul.

Fuck a conversation ~ when’s the last time you vibed on intros?

Honestly tho, you’re probably in school for something that is going to pay pretty good, and so you’re likely not interested in uprooting your entire life and moving into my dream world with me. But this is what I want. What I need and what I am working ever so hard to manifest. I want to meet a girl who sees my vision, and wants to be apart of it. I want meet a woman that can help me activate my full potential. No matter what I read or what the stars might be aligning to benefit for me, I feel it deep inside me, that for me to unlock my full potential, I need a woman in my life that I can love hard asf. I mean, seriously. I come on hard. It’s like…idk. It’s just me, and I used to not think anything of it, but apparently not everyone acts like me. I want to push you up against a wall and kiss your neck, while the people behind us in line try not to stare. I want to literally bury my face in your ass, and film it for the whole world to watch in 8k. Tbh, I’m just a machine that brings pleasure to women ~ but I’m not activated very often. I’m not very proud of that, either. It’s because I’m too nice, and partly because I’m too shy. Like, there is this girl who works at this weed store in town, and I can tell that we like each other…and when I first got here I was feeling pretty on top of the world…but to this day, I still remain too shy to ask her out. Idk. I literally feel “rude” putting her in that position. If that makes sense? Even though she makes an effort to talk to me whenever I come into the store. How come she doesn’t ask me to hang out? Am I crazy for wanting this? But clearly, it’s just not how the world works. I don’t think that has ever happened to me ~ not one time. A girl asking me on a date? Nada.

But I do want it! Ugh. It will likely never happen haha.

I did ask one girl on a date. I was like…super sure she was going to say yes. But she didn’t. She has a boyfriend. We still hungout though, and she’s a photographer so she took pictures of me. I could tell that she was thinking about something else the whole time. It kind of made me feel…not good. I feel even worse thinking about it now. Like, here I am, trying to hangout with this girl and get to know her…and she’s somewhere else. That’s not her fault or anything, but, it just made me feel weird. I try hard not to feel like some weird 30 year old that hangs out with 20 year old’s, because I’m not weird, and nobody thinks that [obvi some people do but I don’t even feel that ish]…I do wonder what she was thinking about today. She would answer questions nonsensically, which something that I do a lot. She was thinking about other things. And in my head lol, I’d like to think that she was thinking about me, but I’m almost positive that’s not the case. But I don’t think she was thinking about her boyfriend either. I’m not sure. Yeah. So, she was probably just thinking about work, or whatever. But, as it were, another one bites the dust. That girl and I could lay into the night for hours and talk about a million different things. It would be beautiful, and we would give each other as many orgasms as we possibly could. Instead, she is choosing something much more stable. I wish I had something more stable.

Tonight, be Bula to stability ~ may it bless us in the form of a large and caring family.

x. Spark Twain