The Tale Of Two Shitty Years

I love feeling things. I’m standing here listening to this song Daiquiri. I had to de-maximize in order to spell that correctly haha.

Found this song when I followed the musical trail of some girl I know. It’s fucking good. Makes me feel…a timeless feeling. Once which immediately brings me back to Shawn’s Moms basement. The first time I ever had alcohol was in that basement. We would listen to Death Cab For Cutie, and I guess those are the feels I am brought back too. Something I felt back then. Being 14. I’m almost thirty now; 29 to be exactly. Twenty-nine-&-a-half in 3 days.

That was a long fucking time ago, but sometimes I run across a song that makes that period of my life feel…like it’s still here. Or…wait. Nothing like that at all. I will stumble across a feeling, randomly, without looking for one…but there it is. That same ole’ feeling. Don’t know where it came from in the first place, and don’t know where it will goes when it isn’t within me, but I fucking love it.

I have other feelings. Right now I am thinking about when I first stopped smoking cigarettes at 17, and then I smelled flowers for the first time in years. I remember thinking how magical it was.

At heart, I am truly a hippie. I understand that now. Tbh I might now have understood it until I sat down to write this article, but…that’s not true. Inside of my head there is something that makes nothing permanent.

The album Plans particularly means a lot to me.

There was one time I saw DC4C, but I don’t even remember it, can you believe that? I was so fucking drunk.

I don’t have any good memories of drinking, because I don’t have any memories. Many memores, at least. I want more. I need more.

After recently letting all that capital slip through my fingers, I am taking a long, hard look at who I am and where I’m at. Who is Spark Twain, and where the fuck is he going?

When I arrived in Florida, my goal was simple ~ build a running habit, build a reading habit, don’t spend all my money, and chill out while I wait until I feel ready to leave the country.

Demic hit ~ cancel that!

Okay, then what? Soo0o0oooo then I decided to…write my blog? First what I did, was I went to Wisconsin to work at the hostel there. It was not work. I didn’t do anything to help them. Maybe I am not the self starter they were looking for. They asked me to do several things, but in the end, I did none of those things. I feel bad, but also, I don’t think if I had done all those things that the hostel would be in a different position than it is in now ~ and I have no idea what position it is in now!

Then I was staying with my Mom for a bit out there, but tby this time I had lost most of the capital I had started with. How was I going to make an income online?

I’ll write a blog. About addiction recovery. AND ASMR! I’ll write it everyday. I’ll be able to get 10k monthly readers forsure and then I can run ads.

What’s the most wrong you have ever been about anything?

I’m really, aparently, not so good at running certain types of businesses. But I’ll tell you! It didn’t feel right the w h o l e time I was doing it, either. Like…writing those first blog posts felt good, and I was convinced I was on the right track because, well, I owned the websites, right? Should use them.

Looking back on it, I wish I would have just listened the websites for sale, and moved onto something else. I get 33% into starting a lot of busiensses. It’s insane.

Wrote the blog everyday for a while, until George Floyd died, then I took a break on May 27th 2020. That was the only day upon which I did not pubilsh, until the end…which was January…12th? I think. April 1st 2020 until January 12th 2021. That was my thing. Woke up every day ~ hella early ~ and wrote a blog blog. Just…found a tree and barked up it. Twas the way wrong move. It’s hard to look back on that knowing where I was headed towards haha.

So then I did that, but somewhere in the middle I started selling shirts. That went…okay. I learned how to make the shirts! Making 300+ tyedye shirts ~ that’s a thing I did!

Couldn’t sell them, and overall lost all my investment because I would get the money back so slow, I had to just use it for food. I made minimum payments for a while, but I haven’t been paying by bills in several months now.

Hmm, then what? Then I started rappin’ and shortly after I started playing around with crypto. It’s been fairly up since I started that! But not like…not 100% up, but it’s been better than the previous year haha. Except, I’m still not happy. I feel like I’m living my life inside of a cage, but a cage that I am carrying around with me. The problem is that I am fucking happy enough inside this cage. It’s a conundrum which I desire to digure out. But! Since I was given all that free doe and then proceeded to lose it by being…a fool. Literally, no other way to put it. From an outside prospective, I can’t actually come up with any logical reasons why I bought the NFTs that I did. I was…in a lapse of reason type state. This is was I think about now. That state is not new, but that’s at least close to the most damage I’ve ever done to myself. Why? And how am I going to prevent that in the future.

Well for starters, I’ve been writing more. That’s probably good. When good shit happens to me, I need to keep up with filming and writing. When I don’t…shit falls apart. Shit falls apart af.

x. Spark Twain